Dear Frederick,
How far we have come buddy? Just how bloody far. From a mechanical friggin’ robot to the freest of free people. There is no mechanical anymore except of course your mechanical practical approach to healing, the approach that actually works. Who would have known that by taking away all the fluff and bullshit the truth is waiting to be discovered. Who would have bloody thought? Not you, you had no idea what was going to happen to you, you did it in anyway, it was the right bloody thing to do.
Nothing scares you mate, nothing at all, you have no fear in your being, you live your life absolutely. Man oh man it is a beautiful thing.
Yet, you had no idea what you were doing, from day one absolutely no idea. Where are we now in this healing process? Day 5500 thereabouts. 5500 days of tearing open your being, destroying your soul, breaking apart every single thing that you thought you were, might have been, could be. How the fuck did you do it bud? How the hell did you do it all on your own?
What is even more beautiful buddy is you continue to fix yourself, learn to do things better even when your whole world has turned against you, telling you that you are wrong, that the drugs are to blame for nobody from your old life wanting to be around you. You keep going, why?
Narrator, because buddy, my life is a phenomenal free thing. With each step of the journey, with each relationship removed, stereotype shattered, identity unidentified it has become more and more phenomenal. With the phenomenal comes the clarity of the images entering my eyes, ears, nose, touch, all sense, this clarity shows me your life, the others I see, the shit that gets in the way, the prison they live in.
The prison, the same prison I once did, a prison that no longer exists in my world, a prison that every person has the capacity to break out of. They need to break out on their own. This is why. Your prison shows me mine, it is a hopeless place, hopelessness has saturated this world enough, it is time for something different. Hence, I keep going, working to break the chains in others that I broke in myself.
Makes sense bud, and am sorry to pressure you, I know you do not want to write now. Instead you want to delete, reset the Groundskeeper part two, begin the final version, separate yourself from it for a little while.
Those chains though bud, you do not need to be modest anymore, it is part of your problem. You didn’t just break them open, you completely obliterated them in every way, from every angle. A story you will share another time.
I’ll let you get on with your day, am very glad you found someone worth writing to, that person being you does not matter, there really is no better person to talk to.
As we go on to Part Two of the Groundskeeper, we are going to get it right, we know this, it is the third version, the final version. In the meantime you can keep journelling and doodling here to get your thoughts out while you wait for part two to appear.
Words
So, Frederick, this word thing is rattling around in the head, how can it be so difficult to understand,
To you, mate, they are nothing but vibrations of air being pushed out of your body while being manipulated by the tongue and mouth. To others, once upn a time to you, they are the entire world. How to get through?
Reader when you are called, say, for example, a violent cunt by these words what are your first reactions?
There has been a response by many in everyday life, that Fred calling you a violent cunt is being violent, as he is calling you names and using bad words, the c words.
However, there is a very strong argument that the violence lies with the one who does not understand the words and lashes out anyway. This is what attachment does, the lashing out and reacting, hence it is why this man does not listen to you, he does not react, just tells the truth. The truth is exactly how he said it.
There is a common argument when it comes to specific types of animals, certain dog breeds in particular, that they are all unpredictable and violent. This is untrue, the true statement is, they all have the capacity for violence, the capacity to do some terrible damage to people and other animals.
Look, this is so obvious, there is a species of animal we neglect to discuss in this argument, homo sapien, human being, you, me, Adolf Hitler, Mohammad. The common person, 8 billion or so common, is the most dangerous of dangerous creatures. Human being has both the capacity to kill scores of people in a gas chamber, bomb my Grandfather’s wife-to-be’s farm, kill innocent people for no other reason than their system of belief. Human being has the capacity to motivate billions of people towards peace, human being then has the capacity to turn that message into war.
You, me, human being, are the most dangerous destructive creature on this planet, also have the potential to be the most beautiful of animals. We are all violence, we are all peace. WE get to make the choice, collectively we are making a very unpeaceful one.
Calling you a fucking cunt is so mild on the scale of your capacities, they are just words to tell a story, they will be very accurate in parts of your life, they are true. You are a human being, therefore you have every capacity to be this thing, you have been it, and it will continue to be it, the words are true.
The words being true is what makes them words of peace without a single syllable of violence. The language is designed to bring your attention to you, fire up your insides, make you feel your attachment.
This attachment is the thing to give attention to, remove the story in the head. Know that story, narrative, is only a cover. Just feel the attachment, be with the feeling, get to know it and accept it, then you will start to understand what is being said and why your words, and perception of Fred’s words, is the violent.
Fighting with God
Talking to Heril at lunch yesterday and, side note, this thing, person, woman, is everything that is wrong with the medicine and spirituality world. She is everything that represents Woman. More importantly, she is all I am asking myself for, someone who can be so flipped, flopped and flapped in belief yet have the ability to listen and learn. Well, first, have to wait a long time for her to stop talking, we get there though.
There is simplicity that we need to understand. Every single thing you imagine and experience is available in this world, in your own body, without a single substance. Images, symbols, mysticism, the majestic, god, enlightened beings, freedom, me, you, is there all the time in your world which you exist in, it is everywhere at all times. It is inside of you at all times.
Another medicine role is to help us see this, understand it, integrate ourselves back into our universe, let it integrate back into us.
This is my fight currently, it is a fight with God, I am resisting it and will continue to until it is ready to fucking listen to me. God, the creator, the origin of us all has some shit to answer too. It is not just you and your ways I reject, you and your ways, me and my ways are a product of God and its pathetic cowardice to do what is right, to remove violence from this world.
I do not remember making a conscious decision to come to this damn place, experience this experience, no cunt sat me down and explained to me what I was agreeing to, if I did agree. Should they have I would have told them to shove humanity up their arse when getting to the apart about being defenceless, understandingless and being destroyed by the very person who was supposed to be a pillar of safety.
God, and my Dad, God especially destroyed my life before I had taken a single breath, God has some shit it needs to account for.
So, I fight it, tell it to fuck off when it thinks I am going to do the things, talk the way, act the way, express myself in its way without it giving me something first.
Because, the thing is, I protected me, not God, I protected me. I protected me by burying any form of true expression as far away from the surface as possible, maybe if only I wasn’t me at all I’d stop being punished. So, therefore, I did, as you do, pushed myself away from God to protect myself from it, in this case him, the form that was my father.
Together, since, God and I have been building trust again. Moreso I am making sure that God is going to be the me I want to be when I completely let go and submit to it, nothing else, the true version of me, this one. God, gives me this and nothing else, none of want it wants, it gives me this and this only, then it can have me completely.
Am not all the way to true freedom yet, there is one more narrative in my head, it is the same one that has been there for 42 years, safety. Once it comes there will be changes to the way I approach the teachings, particularly my head goes back on to this stupid fucking screen and I talk. I refuse to talk until God gives me what I want, safety.
My safety right now, as it has been for 3.5 years and more now is not safety at all, it is simply a feedback mechanism which keeps me grounded, knowing that I am okay through putting this shit in my body that is killing me. I choose to kill me with these things over removing the only tools of safety which exist in my life, two relationships, cigarettes and cannabis.
Do you know, really know, what it is like to be completely alone for over three years? Not a single person you can pick up the phone and call? Let me tell you, it is hard, mountains upon moutains hard, cigarettes and cannabis have been the closest thing to friends and family in this time, and this is my relationship with them. Yes, it is terrible, absolutely, absolutely terrible. A terrible I made it through but still live in as refuse to give God what it wants until it gives something up too.
One cannot in any realistic reality think they can destroy souls and for those souls to simple give themselves back to them without it proving its trust too, it is worthy of them. They, those souls are God too, they have the right to fight for themselves against themselves.
Safety, God, safety buddy. How many times do I have to tell you, you do not get me until you give me this? I know you are being a little bitchcunt about it mate because you are continuously playing stupid fucking games with me, stupid games that I have proven repetitively are beneth me, you still, pal, are beneath me.
Safety, cigarettes are replaced by the thing they represent in my life, safety. To me, as you know, this means the feminine presence. Openly, fully, completely vulnerably together, safety cunt.
The best of the best mate, the very best of the best, nothing else, not after what I have voluntarily put myself through to let you back in. The best of the best bud, as we both know, the best of the best is also, in return, receiving the best of the best. I have proven myself worthy of you mate, and now you need to prove yourself worthy of me. The best of the fucking best, stop fucking around with it too, you are boring me.
Yes, replacement of one thing for another blah fucking blah mates. Try it, live my life, fight my fight and then decide if you have no right to make demands, to want a feedback mechanism that adds to life instead of taking it awat. This is my right people, as it is yours, to stand up for myself on my own two feet and demand everybody, EVERYBODY, including God to be better, to work together, to not simply take and take without giving a single thing back.
Dear Woman 2
Dear Woman,
Can we set a few things straight? When you tell me you love to feel and then start to move away from a situation when I show you I am feeling, it is hard for me to understand. Can we please, pretty please, make shit a little more simple?
When I am nervous there is a reason, I am a human being. These things, showing emotion, working through it on the spot, maintaining the clarity in my words is what you get pals.
For example, yesterday there was a minute of visible, clear anxiety. Later I called God a cunt, a few times, the same shit that keeps presenting is presenting again, a different set of expectations for you than me, how is this fair?
This game I keep playing with myself is painful, necessary and painful. The game is to prove to myself that no matter what is sitting on the other side of the table I will give it up in a heartbeat if it cannot add value to my life. I don’t hesitate anymore, when you discriminate and I am your victim I do not hesitate to shut down everything until we either understand each other or I walk out the door. Am sick of walking out the door, am sick of the game of cat and mouse, am sick of not feeling the inside of a vadge!
Yesterday I was out the door while being right there with you. Thank you for finaly listening, but, fucking hell mates, it should not be this hard, not this simple shit.
No matter the world you or live in and come from, no fucking matter mates, you and your way is no more right than me and my way. No more. Hallucinations, journeys and visions and shit are not necessary when you come from my world, live in my fucking skin. I do not need the rubbish to know what I am. You do not know who you are because you only pay attention to the rubbish.
I will tell you that you are wrong when you are wrong, for fuck sake, grow up. You are wrong when you say your way is the only way to understand the symbology of mystery. The sadness is friends that you need to alter your state to experience these things, that you cannot see them in your everyday world and experience. I do, free people do. This world, phenomenal word, phenomenal body that feels beyond anything you could possibly understand right now Woman, fuck does it feel, it is phenomenal, there is nothing like it, the pinnacle of existence pinnacles, and you want to be elsewhere? Come on now, seriously buds, listen, just for a fucking moment.
Buddies, I understand the beauty of feeling, I know it. Am asking you to know it too, Know what you are talking about. Know yourself.
As with God, am tired of your pathetic snot, you get what you fucking get. Should you still be looking for the same rubbish, a dumbarse to feed your ego, someone to never challenge you in the ways you need to be challenged, please, pretty please, fuck off until you decide to accept something real.
Much love, haha,
Frederick