Fred loves family, his biological family, the extended, friends, their friends, all their families, every everybody, hence he is telling the truth at every step of the way with no thought of the outcomes for himself. He loves, this is what love is, not lying to those we love.
Fred doesn’t say the words, barely ever, they are stupid and meaningless, just like sorry. Words said so many times, so so so many times, by everybody, with nobody taking any action at all to make amends. Love or an apology is not in any realm love or apologies when actions of correction, love, care, compassion, empathy, more words, do not walk side by side.
You, all people, do not not love. Just pathetic words that mean nothing.
Entertainment Night
Fred attended Entertainment Night last night, his nieces performing in a big school production, it was just pure awesome. Beautiful.
He almost dropped a few tears at one stage. Emily and her little dance crew were trying to perfect a move, one that 50% of the time resulted in Emily splat on the floor. Closer and closer to Entertainment Night they were debating removing the move all together.
The move was in the dance, they nailed it, possibly changed it slightly to make it more safe but nailed it none the less. Fred was just super proud, super proud that through all her misgivings and fear towards failing Em gave it a red hot crack anyway in front of a huge crowd, she did great, they all did. The smiles, between her and her friend when they got it done, pure priceless.
This is Em, beautiful young person, just beautiful, she doesn’t give up just because something is hard, because of what others will think of her, she has always been her, she tried her best. It was phenomenal, pure phenomenal, as she is.
Family, sitting there in the stadium watching, being in the life of these people again is Fred’s true calling, a stay-mostly-at-home Dad, or in this case, Uncle. He was made for it, is phenomenal at it. Look through the site and you’ll see what he has to contribute in the space, it is not bad, not bad at all. His cooking for one!
Not only is it his true calling, it is his heart’s desire, to raise a family, a real family, a proper family where everybody is free to be themselves. Sadly, for him, it does not appear to be on his cards, it is what it is, he accepts it and it does not get in the way. He is not bitter, jealous, or any other disgusting thing, he simply continues to give love to the family he has with his entire being. It is enough.
Em, she is making her way back to herself, things have contributed to Em losing (giving up) parts of Em. More correctly, giving them up so that she can feel safe in the environments she does not feel safe in, which she bloody well should feel safe in.
Family should be safe, absolutely should be, Em, and her sister Ainslie, should not be feeling unsafe in the environments they do. They should not be being abused by little boys who were ex-boyfriends because of the disgusting that is being spread under their roofs. They should not be abused.
Family, it is SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO beautiful, yet it is SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO much more fucking harmful currently.
Let us fix this shit together.
Do not understand
Hey mates, have been reflecting. Do you ever get sick of people telling you that you should just put your trauma to bed? Just ignore it, let it go, let is pass, just let it go? The rest of the rubbish?
Oh mates, I do. Sometimes it comes up. The last few days, ridiculously clear memories of my Dad in all his glory coming at me with a something about to give me another beating of my life. I haven’t grieved this properly yet.
Have broken myself apart by all the shit that I have done, taking responsibility of it, feeling all the pain I caused to my worlds. It was heartbreaking. Still, though, haven’t completely grieved the what was done to me, am only just getting there now.
This shit is just so confusing, how on earth could an adult treat a child, their child, any child this way? How did nobody say a single word, stand up for those of us who could not? Just, oh my god, how?
Do you know what it is like to be seven, looking your Dad in the eye and vowing to be nothing like this man? Your primary example? The thing that tells you it loves you, that it will do everything for you, and destroys your soul before giving it a good beating afterwards just so it knows who is boss.
Oh, people, it is heartbreaking.
These are the memories I’m finally starting to come to terms with, they are in the way of my way and I did nothing wrong. Nothing at all wrong until I lied to get the beating, basically begged to be beaten to stop this hell, to find a way to be okay.
These are the memories that are coming back in stupid detail, watching them all over again.
I’m not afraid now though pals, not at all, it is just heartbreaking, that is all. Finally I get to accept that all the shit I have fought for was fighting for me, the me that wasn’t, that couldn’t and definitely wouldn’t. Fucking oath he would though, fight, oh he fought.
It confuses me, all this, the way adults treat children, somehow it is okay to do the shit to them that you would scream bloody murder if it happened to you, or to other adults. It confuses me that anybody could treat anyone in these ways, justify it in any way, let alone their own, call it love, I do not understand, do not understand at all.
Do not understand, yet it happens all the bloody time, in so many households.
Family, why is it not so much better?