A heading inspired by my older brother, Danyel, stories of the stupid.
Definition
Wet Paper Bag, the definition only needs to say Danyel and everyone will understand. Yep, Danyel with a Y, even autocorrect at the start was like no, it isn’t, there is no Y in Daniel. It has gotten used to it now but it took a while. It is still shaking its head, two weeks later.
Danyel with a Y, just one of the pathetic things this wet paper bag bitches and moans about non-stop like anyone gives a shit. Wastes so much time complaining about it when he could just legally change the spelling. The idea never came across this idiots head, in fact, his solution for everything, blame everyone and thing else and never ever take responsibility or do something for yourself. He is a piss poor excuse for a man.
The easiest way to define something is to put it in a sentence, I’ll try it;
Danyel spent his whole life working his arse off to convince everyone he is the version of a man’s man that a man should be, but everybody knows he’s nothing but a wet paper bag.
Wet paper bag, it literally translates to someone being extraordinarily weak.
Synonyms include nancy, sissy, big girls blouse, coward, sook, bitch, glass jawed (I’m a bit glass jawed myself), weak as piss, a woos, pansy.
DANYEL
No Shit
Danyel is such a wet paper bag that he would not even change his sons shitty nappies. No shit, not one, not ever, for either of them. Then, somehow thinks anyone in the room empathises him when he tells them he couldn’t stand the smell, does not realise they are whispering to themselves, wet paper bag, dead beat Dad.
Who’s the Bushpig now?
Danyel is such a pathetic man that he will scream terrible terrible things at the next door neighbours with his mates, things like calling them bushpigs. 10, 20, 30 years later, still ongoing, he doesn’t realise that terrible noise that comes out of this mouth when he cracks the shits 15 times a day, at nothing, before he runs away to the shed is identical to one. Who’s the bushpig now buddy?
Own Wing Man
Danyel is such an awful brother, and husband, that he would spend the whole night tuning a women at the pub, only pulling out at the last moment because his younger brother said he would not lie for him. The younger brother who fucked her sister, found out in the hotel room they weren’t actually sisters, friends instead, close friends! Danyel would then bang on about Frederick being his own wing man for years and years later, well after the episode was finished and forgotten. Guilt, it’s what keeps the repetition. Oh, his brother would not lie because even then knew this man was a moron, his wife was a million times better person, was and continues to be better off without him.
Trying so hard
The last time Danyel and I talked he tells me how worried he was, he tried to contact me without response, laid awake sleepless multiple nights concerned about me. Yet, didn’t send me a single email, tried so hard.
Boardgames
Danyel will deny his children the opportunity to grow up with their cousins, Aunties and Uncles. Won’t attend family gatherings anymore. The last one Danyel and the family attended everybody was enjoying themselves, hanging out together, playing board games, doing family stuff together. Everyone together, well except Danyel who is too manly for these things. While we all had a good time he sat by himself at the kitchen and complained, complained so much that even though everyone else had a great time together never again would the whole family gather again, all because Danyel didn’t only get Danyels way.
RACHEL
Sell-out
My sister Rachel, her life is nothing but a sell-out, means nothing, not a moment means anything. No value in it at all. She used to look like my mother, beauitiful, now she is the opposite, much more similar features to my greedy Aunty (who, herself when I was very young was my version of beauty). Rachel has a daughter that looks just like Mum, the most beautiful girl I have ever known. Her sister, equally beautiful, in different ways.
Rachel’s life dream was a marine biologist, to discover the sea, she completed the degree at University, even discovered a new nudibranch species. Then, she gave her dream to the public service, the most ignorant department, Climate Change. Now she spends her life in an office, contributing in all the worst ways to climate destruction, both in and out of her career. Killing the sea, killing her nudibranch with every key tap, new car, update at home, betterer this and that, all the rest.
Oh, I forgot to mention, she does it all for attention, to fit in. She isn’t the only one reader.
FREDERICK
Lying to suit
Frederick is the type of wet paper bag that would have his first sexual experience with a male, orgasm in her mouth, feel guilty and then lie about bashing her to maintain his manlyhood and straightness. Bashing her badly (no actual bashing took place). Years later, he would attempt to undo the lie to his little brother when it suited him to do so. Wet paper bag.
BENJAMIN
The worst Dad
Benajmin, my beautiful little brother, will tell me every time I am doing something wrong to my car, every thing that needs fixing and I’ll go yep, thanks mate, you know what you’re talking about, you’re a mechanic. But when I tell him he is abusing his daughters, and give him examples based on my expertise in the field he’ll tell me he doesn’t support saving lives and prefers I am dead because I don’t know what I am talking about.
His mates do though, know what they are talking about, tell him he is a good Dad. His mates, also mechanics, clothing makers and stay-at-home Mums. But mate, these people are terrible parents too, they love having you around because of it, you are the worst of the worst. You are our Dad, the ultimate wet paper bag.
La Familia
Anybody speak Spanish? Beautiful language. I say beautiful because it is easy to learn in comparison to, say, German which is, ha, not. Personal experience in both idiomas, languages.
The Spanish world will feature heavily here, one of the countries which speak it is home to me.
I started to create a new family during my excursion to the Americas, new friends, bring into my world the environment I want it to be.
The newness came with removing the oldness. As we continue now we talk about family, my parents will feature little, brothers and sisters will feature heavily.
My old family includes the beautiful people above, I have started with very strong statements. We open these statements up now, get to understand that these people are ridiculously beautiful people, even my older brother who I would not ever, as he is, choose to have any relationship with were we to meet outside of the circumstances we did.
I have said much worse to Danyel than the above, we’ll get to that. My little brother on the other hand, nothing that has come from me directed towards Benj has been more hurtful, direct and true than this. Nothing. We need bugger all further examples of Benjamin and his shitness. There are bugger all further examples, he is the most phenomenally beautiful of men.
The family includes all my old mates, including Willie. Willie is an old mate, not a now mate. Will is Lorraine’s nephew, we met in year seven and from that moment on have been a beautiful presence in one another’s lives. Currently he is a client, not my friend no matter how much I love him or he thinks he is, together we explore the meaning behind my statement.
We include my new family, my new mates, the ones I have chosen, mostly in Central and South America, and Mark (Mark will feature heavily). Together, again, we work to understand how knowing choice can improve our world infinitely. Removing the attachment to family is everything. They still are everything too, love all these people from the being of my being’s being.
There are seven names I will likely mention. These people are not adults. They are family both before and now, nothing will change until they come back into my life as adults themselves. Just like my family above, they add no value to my world (cannot have an open and free conversation with me) and our relationship may have some pauses.
The seven names are my six nieces and nephews. The seventh the child I contributed to 50% of his DNA, maybe. Maybe, not the contribute part, that’s a definite, the maybe talk about him, the relationship with the mother is more important in the sexuality space, may not be involved here. The seven names are fictional, the only fictional names in this thing, I will continue to protect these lights of my life.
When it comes to my siblings, two men and one woman, I am highlighting the beautiful people they are, what gets in the way, and how domestic violence can affect four children under the one roof in very different ways. All the four very different ways are exactly the same too, I really want to help you understand this, it is the key to the domestic violence crisis.
Let’s talk about Danyel (a little differently)
Okay, I’m going to say it, get it out of the way, Danyel is a moron. The absolute number one, light years in between number two, moron in my life. Were he not my brother I would have fogotten his name and never thought about him again the moment we met.
He, also, is a beautiful man. I talked about Rachel and I being the biggest contributors to Mum’s life in the last year or so, absolutely were, cannot be argued. Danyel, however, lived three kilometres from Moni for the four years between our home in Alvie being repossessed and when she died. She was very sick throughout.
Danyel was there through Mum’s entire last four years of illness and treatment, not in her pocket but there, next door basically, making sure that one of us was always available should Monika need help, a lift to town, assistance in paying the bills.
Most importantly Dan and Tammy ensured Moni always had family, company, loved ones close by, she wasn’t alone and isolated.
Mum never asked for help, financially horrible position and would not ask for help with the bills, anything, stubborn woman, haha. A few of us, maybe us all, would just steal the bills, occasionally a fine, and pay them for her. She hated it but also beamed with sunlight with the pressure taken off a little.
When the house was repossessed Mum was going through treatment. Danyel in Uni at the time. Big house with a normal amount of stuff, big stuff, no built-in wardrobes or anything fancy. Three bedroom house, one bedroom with a big old hole in the wall, come back to this. There was a fourth, up in the attic, attic? A hole that entered the roof to be more accurate, had an old bed frame, it was as creepy as hell. None of us wanted to go up there. Once, twice, in 13/14 years I entered alone.
Then there was Freds Shed, had a sign and all Freds Shed. Huge shed full of hoarded crap and mess. Benjamin and Danyel were the primary, maybe only two people who had to get this sorted and Mum comfortably set up at our Grandparents old home near Ballarat. I was not there, Freds shitty commission unit was hard enough and neither Benjamin or I had any memories in the space. Our home in Alvie was all memory, it was our home, it still is, it was taken from under our feet. Terribly hard.
Terribly hard but I was not there, I was in Sydney, well away from the heartbreak these three must have gone through together.
Danyel will let himself show when it is absolutely required. It is hard for him, he feels things so strongly that he cannot be with them, feels the hurt and injustice of what happened to his family. A happening he blames himself for in big parts.
Dan almost cries, he never cries, when he tells me about the first time he saw an adult strike a child, it happened to his three-year-old sister. Fred the striker or course. He used words I repeat over and over, I could not understand.
Danyel could not have done a thing until he was a mature adult to stop Fred, nothing. He was physically developed young enough, bald at six (nothing to do with strength, but it’s true and funny, not six, maybe 11, ha!), and was a smart guy. Is a smart guy.
Danyel could not hide his guilt or hurt when one of us was hurting because of Fred, his mouth and nose together do not tell lies. Just the words that come out of them sometimes.
Fred was a scary man, made more scary through the lack of information available on the year (more) he was out of our lives due to having a holiday in prison. We don’t know what happened, we think he beat the shit out of someone but do not know for sure. The rumour was very plausible, the evidence within the home showed it was not farfetched.
A couple of years later Benjamin would be in a horrific car crash, one-car accident. Benjamin driving on the Hume Highway, his mate in the passenger seat, hit a puddle and the car spun out. He was not being an idiot, poor conditions and just unlucky. Benjamin walked away fine, his mate was lucky to survive.
Benj was 30 minutes from Melbourne, returning to Ballarat from Albury (wherever the army trains Diesel mechanics) when it occured. He tried to call Danyel, I don’t know if he got through or not, he was okay, very rattled but okay. Danyel couldn’t make it up to be with him.
Fred called Danyel’s home either later that day or the next, Mum was there. He called Danyel all sorts of things to make him feel guilty for not being there to support his brother, make him think the accident was his fault.
Fred was a master-manipulator, he was charming too, a hazardous mix. Most abusers are very good at manipulation, we’ll open this up much more.
Danyel, thank God, was better than this. From what I recall of the conversation that followed, recounted to me by my mother with a huge smile on her face with every word, Fred did not get the reaction he was hoping for. Mum was very clear, and so was Danyel, about the part where Danyel made sure Fred knew that he ever come near us again his life may be forfeit.
He did not threaten to kill him, it is the easiest way for me to explain the description for the beating that was promised to my Dad in their chat.
Danyel does not recall this story and conversation with a smile, it hurt him, he took it personally. The blaming was designed specifically by my Dad to meet the objective of making my beautiful brother’s heart break, to feel responsible. Abusers and manipulators primary tool is your weakness, they will identify it almost immediately, the first time you sit down for a coffee together. They will destroy your life with them, hold you stuck and thinking there is no way out with my life.
Danyel is a wet paper bag, a weak man yes, but he is cardboard, 2-ply wood, compared to Fred. I am absolutely, ABSOLUTELY, grateful Danyel never was given the opportunity. I am afraid of what he would have done, what it would have meant for the future of him and his boys.
Yes, I am saying he would have won the fight. But, I am also asking you, would there really have been any winners?
He is a wet paper bag, but nothing to the Fred degree.
Uncle, Awesome Day
Before I go to sleep I reflect on my day, naturally now. Five minutes generally of allowing my thoughts to infiltrate my head, I go through everything. Particularly my journal, which is that process happening in another way.
The journal, what you are reading, is me teaching myself to interact safely in this world. To be able to participate in a world that breaks my heart with every human interaction. I am venting here, all the things I have learnt that get in the way of a conversation between you and me I am venting so that I do not hold onto it and burst.
I do burst, regularly enough, absolutely burst. When I burst I am ready for it, I know it is coming as I pay attention to myself, all the signs. To blow it off properly I isolate myself completely from the world, go out into the wilderness and scream and bawl my eyes out. I do it for days, at the end I generally have a good hit of DMT, amplify my pain to ridiculous degrees, recover in the world on the comedown, a few months worth.
It is hard to be me.
I cannot talk to you like I do on this site in a conversation, your ego is not ready for it. The best I can do if I value your company is be patient, say these same things to you in many series of conversations after I have learnt how you feel most comfortable within the conversation space.
But, I need to get my pain and the bits and pieces I hold onto out, and I do, this online way and the wilderness way.
My hurt does not limit itself to what I see now. At night I reflect, the morning I read parts of my journal, I am teaching myself here too, as I have said. When I read it something will come into the equation that was not there yesterday, I have no idea how the story will start, be relative to our purposes or end, I am just given a heading. I finish my morning reflection, write the heading into the relevant topic and the unfolding begins.
Uncle, Awesome Day brings a beautiful warmth to my being, a horrible heartbreak at the same time. Note the comma in Uncle, Awesome Day.
I never bought presents for my nieces and nephews, not for anything. Would buy practical stuff as presents before they could talk, these items were more for the parents though. When the kids were able to participate in a conversation we came to the agreement that no presents would exchange hands for any of the special gift exchanging days of they year. Instead, one day annually when we were all together we would have Uncle, Awesome Day.
Uncle, Awesome Day translates to having an awesome day with my Uncle, all of us and our Uncle. Just us and him, nobody else. The parents all loved it too of course and didn’t give a shit what we did. They knew, beyond everything and anything, their kids were with their Uncle Frederick, they love him to pieces, he loves them to pieces, they were going to have a bloody good time, be safe, come home exhausted and not have a single complaint.
We didn’t talk about the upcoming UAD until it was the morning of UAD except for standard child excitement, moreso, I was the excitement too, Christmas barely compared. Together we would find a quiet space together, all six of us, four once Danyel stopped attending, broke my heart, still does. I’d do it with the boys too but on a different occasion.
Anyway, we’d find a quiet spot and talk about the potential activities for the day. There were no limits to the kids imaginations. I did not have a say, the rule placed on me by me. The only rule is no collaboration beforehand, no discussing the thing you want to do in the case you can team up at our meeting, get the odds in your favour. Nope, this was a fair process and fair process only. I did not have to set boundaries on their ideas, they were kids, they wanted to do kid stuff. The pub, concerts, strippers were never any of their requests believe it or not.
After the ideas were on the table we would talk about the best ones, or alternatively if we could do them all without being in the car for more than two hours for the whole day we wouod fit them in. Never worked getting all the activities in. Best ones, when one child expressed their idea and I would gauge the wow factor, the gasps, the excitement of the others.
The last year our first activity was Crocodillus Park or whatever it is called in the centre of Darwin. Crocodiles, fish, turtles and heaps of great stuff. The four girls were mouth open awe, espescially when they laid eyes on Brutus, think that’s his name, the eight or nine metre crocodile that was still living, the same one from the Crocodile Dundee movie.
Then it hit 11am and the reptile show started. A beautiful demonstartion on five or six different reptiles the hosts brought out, the last part the kids were allowed to hold and pet them. We waited patiently, the girls were almost weeing their pants excited. Lots of little kids before us, they wanted to be able to enjoy themselves, take their time, enjoy the experience.
We were the last ones that got to hold them, the girls faces were beaming with Sunshine, they were so careful and beautiful. The park people let them share the different animals around, eventually each girl was left holding their favourite one. A couple of snakes, a bluetongue lizard and something else, maybe a turtle. Five minutes later the ranger smiles at me and says, buddy it is time. The girls didn’t hesitate, beautiful thank you, placed the creatures back in their cages and we sat down to our next meeting allbeit a little later than expected.
Meeting two, what do we have for lunch.
Lunch was the toughest of the discussions, it was pure majority vote but it also coincided with favourite activity number two. If we were lucky we could find a food court on the way but often it wasn’t the case. One, or two, girls would have to make a compromise. Today’s lunch was fish and chips, with the exception of Benjamin’s eldest, Amber.
We decided to order the fish and chips at the park, it was much easier, this would ensure the TimeZone activity would not be delayed too, everyone agreed except Amber. Amber started crying and complaining that she never gets what she wants, I let her whinge for a bit before stepping in.
We had a conversation on UAD and what it means for us, why we do it the way we do. She hadn’t realised before this that I never give an idea to the activities or contribute to the lunch decision, the kids run it all, I am simply the tool that allows it to be as great of a day as it is. Amber was able to come to understand that they have the power here, but none of them have more power than the other, we are all equal today regardless of our age, I taught her the true meaning of democracy. She understood, conversation was about 10 minutes, great conversation, she stopped crying, massive smile came over her face and she stuffed down her fish and chips quicker than everybody else.
Uncle, Awesome Day, great day.
The Most Beautiful Things
Timezone coincided with two food court options. The first, a 10 minute return walk for me, plus the time it takes for lunch. With four girls, in a new city, new shops, people, long grassers, buskers, a whole new world, the trip isn’t so quick. We haven’t even arrived at the food court options and infinite time it takes to choose. I do not pressure on these beautiful little people, can take as long as they want to both pick and eat.
The second court at Timezone itself basically, no time added excepted for the additional options. My nieces are accutely aware that they don’t choose one machine and press buttons, moving bodies and these crazy tiny things come together. Eating juse before the machines was not the best option either.
TimeZone was a blast, we had a basic rule to make sure everybody was involved, take it turns to choose the game and we all play before moving on. I was included in the rotation, Dance Nation good buddies.
Yeah, cool, if you want to do your own thing you have your card, go nuts. They didn’t want to do it alone, everyone together, we are a family.
The most beautiful thing happened towards the end of TimeZone, the end of UAD, 15 minutes before hometime, our last game together.
We decided to use our last credit on the machine with a hand that collects lollies. Three of the girls settled themselves around the machine ready to go, I’m not partaking, only four spots. Amber mentions that her chute is already full of lollies.
First reaction from a bunch of kids, as you can imagine, is pure excitement. Amber, super duper excited too, but then she says ‘I’m not sure I want to take them, I didn’t win them.’ What followed was the most beautiful three-minute discussion. The final comment came from one of my Sister’s daughters, Ainslie, ‘yeah, it is better we leave them, we have enough.’
God it was beautiful, the conversation involved looking around the room, look at our relationship in the process. Only one or two other adults were interacting, the rest sitting back on their phones, the three of us involved were completely involved. The children were wearing hand-me-downs, many didn’t smell like they had been bathed in some time. Ainslie’s comment wasn’t simply we have had a great day, it was too, she knew that the find, as all the girls did, meant so much more to others.
I let them take a couple extra at the end. Left a majority behind.
These are the beautiful moments I deal with in my heartbreak, the beautiful people. Beautiful traits that they learned from other beautiful people, their parents, my brothers and sisters. All beautiful people who are not in my llfe any more, I don’t hate them obviously, quite the opposite, it is why not having a relationship hurts so much. These people are all great parents, they spend quality time with their kids at all times more or less, they give them their full attention. Mostly.
Uncle, Awesome Day was the most beautiful opportunity for me to engage with my nieces and nephews, teach them a few things in the process. Learn infintely more myself.
Thank you good buddies, I love you from the being of my being.
Uncle Frederick.