Dear Woman,
I write to you today because I miss you. All though I do not understand the need for my continued isolation from you I know that it is necessary, I know you will come to me when I am ready, when you are ready, I will not pressure you no matter how much I miss you.
I am not a feminist, I refuse to seperate myself from my brothers, I am not a meninist, I do not represent this terrible thing. I do too simply by looking like, projecting myself, choosing to identify as a man. I am an equalist, I do not believe that equality is the way, I pursue it because I know it.
I know equality is equality. There is no gender, race, language, religion, imaginary border or belief system in equality. Not one is more important than the other, none has the rights to rights the others do not.
My physical appearance, my strength, my ability to look you in the eye as you are unable to look into mine does not make me different to you. My physicality and masculinity does not void me of compassion, care, empathy, love, nurture, the ability to act from my heart. These are not qualities reserved for the feminine of our species.
Your femininity, physical appearance does not make you fragile, weak, incapable of looking me in the eye, unable to stand on your own two feet for the shit that needs standing up for. Strength, leadership, aggression are not reserved for the masculine.
My feelings, emotions, care, love, inner strength have nothing to do with my sex, they come from my being, they represent my heart, the heart within every human being. We are all the same, physical appearance means nothing, it is not a tool of separation.
In fact I know, as you do, that to pursue equality with any other motivation other than equality is not equality. Revenge, abusing innocents who have done nothing to you simply because they represent the roots of your trauma is violence, it is the same violence that was done to you, you are the violent now. The same violence you are screaming to remove while you project it onto others, how can you not see what you actually contribute to the world?
Woman, I miss you, I will do nothing for you. I will not prioritise you, our relationship will not bring you rewards or advantages, you cannot sell or give yourself to me, I can not and do not want to own you, I will never see another person as a possession. I want nothing from you, I need nothing from you, you can give me nothing I cannot give myself.
The only thing I want from you is to be who you are, the closest thing I have to a need is that you let me be who I am. I will stay with you because I want to, because this thing with you brings value to my life, together we bring value to one another’s existence.
I will not protect you, or solve your problems unless you tell me what you want from me. I do not know what you want and I will not pretend to. I know you want to communicate freely with me as I do with you, so do so, tell me what you want, what you need when you need it as I will do for you.
I will not stop you from living your life, from experiencing you, and there is no possible way for you to stop me. Living my life is living my best life, if the best life is the one with you that is where I will be, if it is not I will not be. Same for you, I will not hold onto you to fill my own aloneness.
We will communicate, about everything, there will be no taboo, there will be no jealousy. There may be, we will talk about it anyway, we will both know it is safe to do so, that I do not need to protect your feelings as you do not need to protect mine. I know in truth that lying blocks my path, it blocks yours, it will block ours, I am putting a stop to it before it starts.
Anything, anything at all you need to experience I will support. By need this means you will understand why you need to do it, as I will understand why I need to do what I do before doing it. The safety in our space allows allows us to act rather than simply react to every attachment screaming from within our being.
I choose to emphasise this so that you understand. Anything at all. Should being the attention point of a screaming eagle be that thing above all things you need to participate in I will support you. Not only will I support you I will sit in the room and watch to make sure you are safe. You will not expect me not to laugh at the scene presented in front of me in future conversations, you will allow me to enjoy myself as you, possibly, enjoy yourself.
I will not come on holidays with you unless I want to, I will not stop you from going, no matter what you do there you will be welcome home. I do not care what you do, I only ask that you consider my safety, in particular my health when participating in activites which may impact these areas in the future. You do not need to keep your activities a secret, you are not my property, I know you are experiencing yourself as you need to in order to not have those needs become a dead weight between us. I love you already, this is what true love allows.
You don’t have to be what everyone thinks a women needs to be in order to be with me, you do not even need to have a cunt. The sex I choose I base on what I project to the world. I choose my stereotype and titles based on the least confusing options available to me, the only option I choose for myself which is void of confusion is man.
I know for others the choice is not so simple, much more confusing, not so much for themselves but for those they interact with. I know that even if your nipples don’t get hard when you are aroused, your skin does not start to glow, your vagina does not get wet, none of these exempt you from the category. I know that even if you get a massive erection when I kiss you it doesn’t mean you are a man.
What matters more than any of this is what you project to the world, if you project femininity and then choose the stereotype of female for yourself you are a female. Should there be minimal confusion in your femaleness, there will be minimal confusion in me.
Let it be knnown, I prefer a vagina than an arse, it does thngs that other appendages cannot, I have also already mentioned some of things I enjoy in a biological female.
Now, I need you to understand this, when we communicate we communicate, we use both our rational brains and the less rational, but first we be rational. To get angry at biology versus choice is ignorance, gender choice versue biology are completely different subjects, one comes with serious safety concerns when it is fought.
We are seeing the separation this causes, seeing the ignorance and stupidity towards it causes, athletes of male biology competing in women’s sports. I will not continue, should you not be able to understand this sentence, you will not understand me, you will add no value to my life, you already add no value to anybody’s life.
I know when we have sex, from my own experience, that when a women of female biology moans she sounds like a female, everything that appeals to me. When I have sex with a women of male biology I know she does not sound like a female, I hear the huskiness in the groan, the voice box in the voice. You can do nothing about this and nor can I, all we can do is patient so we can understand together.
Really, that’s all I’m asking for you, for me, for us, to understand together.
There are some things which will limit us, but they won’t, they may not get in the way but they will. Excessive adipose tissue, I do not like tio touch, it does not feel nice, and it tells me many things about you, most importantly the significant confusion in your life. This confusion shows me you cannot be just you while I be just me, it will be very difficult becuase you are just not ready for the challenges that will be presented, the personal responsibility required to live with the challenge, the openness to be open to the harm you do to yourself.
Ultimately this is all I offer truth, breaking through the narrative that harms, opening our lives up together to be free in the space.
When you’re ready I’m ready bud.
Much love,
The Groundskeeper
Jealousy
Here we are going to talk about you a little differently ladies, the same way too, after all we are here to learn about violence together, how to remove it. To move forward we have to understand violence first, each other, you need to start understanding your violence.
Jealousy, I have never projected it in any way, I didn’t need to project it myself to understand the harmful impacts, was the victim of jealousy multiple times before I knew the word existed.
The first time, year six, 11 turning 12, and I am at Somer’s Camp.
Grade four, five and six I gave up every other school activity that cost money so I could go to Somers. Mum told me it would be necessary the first time I mentioned it, ‘Frederick, we cannot afford for you to go to Somer’s Camp and other school activities too. If it is what you really want I’ll save for it but you are going to have to be okay with missing out on what your friends are doing.’ Sure thing Mum. My sure thing Mum never changed, I did not argue or get upset when she said no to other things, reminding me of our agreement.
Somers Camp was my dream, I knew little about it except there were obstacle courses, high ropes, adventure walking, bush activities, sport, moving my body and having a bloody good time.
Somer’s was nothing like the other school camps where we are all together for three or four days doing the same repetitive activities. They were all great but time to explore alone was never available. Somer’s Camp was almost two weeks with only a small handful of people I knew, the other two or three hundred brand new. Two weeks and I could do the stuff I wanted to do and only it.
About eight days in I am walking through the quadrangle by myself, there are heaps of activities going on around me. Sport, chasey, people sitting around talking, all types of activity. The next moment I am on my back, looking up at a face staring down at me, ‘you fucking go near her and I’ll bash your lights out.’
I had no idea who the face was looking down at me or who it was talking about. I could not understand, God I was confused.
Two hours later I would be told the reason by my old mates and new, that girl over there Freddy, the really beautiful one, she has a thing for you and Jason has a thing for her, it is why he did it. ‘But, I don’t understand, I do not know her, or him, I did nothing wrong, I am just having fun.’ The guys tried to explain it to me, jealousy effectively, it was too complicated and I continued not understanding.
I would meet Jace two years later when he came to high school too. We ended up becoming friends to a degree, both good footballers, Jace extremely good, generally makes you automatic mates. But Jase outside football, with the exception of the example above, is a really beautiful man in all ways, just a beautiful man who gives a shit. He was 10 or 11 when he decked me from behind, this didn’t come from Jase, he was imitating the influences around him just like the Aboriginal boys.
We start on jealousy friends, I’ll open up my other examples too, hopefully we are starting to understand a little how your influence, the behaviours you project, influence your child without you understanding the outcomes of the influence.
Example Two
I am in year seven, it is term two, the first term was great and nothing of the anxiety I was feeling walking through the door that first morning.
A much different entry to my first day at primary school, ran and hid under the cars and refused to come out. When I eventually did come out I had such a bloody good time that I repeated the hiding when I was told it is the end of the school day and time to go home.
Walking down the hallways by myself, fairly busy, it is the year seven lockers, so my mates are all around. Three bigger boys from year nine I had never seen are walking in the other direction, all of a sudden I am on my arse in the most hideous of ways. Pushed between the boys before being flattened, almost bounced off the lino. Tears immediately, it hurt and I was confused at what just occured.
My mates picked me up, asked me what I had done to them. Done to who, what just happened?
Three or so more times it happened during the week, it continued happening every week, nobody was able to give me answer. We figured they just did not like me.
The three boys names are Paul, Simon and, I always forget the last one, a much smaller bloke.
Simon is the sister’s brother, the one with the rope, he is a beautiful fucking man. I have had nothing to do with the other two since they finished school. Paul’s sister Jessica was in my year, a really great person from what I knew about her.
Finally one of the year nine boys takes me aside one day, he has had enough of the coward shit these three boys are doing and bragging about. Fred, see that girl over there, the really beautiful one, you have probably heard about her and netball, she is really really good. She has the hots for you, the boys are jealous, it is why they are doing it.
I was really struggling now, school was no longer fun.
I didn’t know her, didn’t even know she was pretty when this bloke pointed her out, girls and stuff were not my interest, I just wanted to be a kid. Later, of course, I realised she was pretty, extremely, and phenomenally beautiful figure.
I never reacted to Paul and co, Paul the ringleader, nor did my mates, it pissed the guys off and they decided to take it out on my mates too. First mate they picked was a very VERY bad choice, Sam. Sam is a wet paper bag, was then is now, but still it was a VERY VERY bad choice.
Sam’s cousin was in year 11, Sam’s cousin was the one boy at the school that no other boy, even teams of boys would not even think about crossing, even year 12s, Stuey. Hours later I never had to worry about these three again, the rest of my time at school was safe.
A few years later I am playing football for Alvie under 17s, we are playing against Lorne in Lorne, I am 14. The smaller of the three above is playing for Lorne, it is early in the third quarter and my mate is running towards the forward line from the centre with the ball, old mate chasing hm close behind.
My body comes in between the two, shoulder connects completely fairly and flush with the torso of good buddy above, he is splattered on the ground, assisted off the ground and is still holding his ribs at the end of the game when he shakes my hand. Had no idea it was him, the action was completely fair in every way, my mates came and put their arms around me after it was so good.
Laura
I’ll continue talking about jealousy, after all ladies, jealousy is to you what physical violence is to men. Jealousy and the activities, gossip, leading up to its terrible outcomes, is the worst thing you do, it is a terrible thing that you do.
It cost me a root too. You know, as well as I do, when what you are projecting affects me I will not have it. You cost me a root jealousy and we are going to talk. She hadn’t rooted for 12 months either, might as well have been fucking a super horny virgin she would have been so tight.
Yep, good buddies, the vagina is very good at recovering its elasticity.
Woman, every one of you has abused me in this way, I have abused you in others, you those same ways too, but not jealousy. You and I are not even or anywhere close to equal in this. Other men yes, not me, Frederick Coenraad Nortje. I am your victim and victim only, never a perpetrator in this space.
The closest I have ever come to jealousy is camp jealousy. Seeing how cool my fellow campers setup is and having a mini-awe moment, it’s great. I do not want any of the stuff for myself and therefore do not lose my shit over it. I am not jealous, I am not toxic.
Jealousy is pure toxicity, it is not love. If you think the violence you are projecting towards that person you say you love is love, it is fucking not, you hate yourself so much, love is not a single part of your being. You add no value to this world. In fact, all you do is rape it of all safety, you jealousy projector, are a rapist. I am sick of being raped by you, it is personal.
Laura, French lady in Mexico, met on a bus walk organised through the Oaxaca library. We chatted briefly and ended up chatting a good way home, deciding to take a day trip together the next day to some beautiful springs.
Great day, I got to stare at a beautiful face, the beautiful body being in my peripherals all day, in a bikini. Yep, BUDDIES, nice. Laura clearly liked what was going on in the other direction too. Great day except the cold sore which started to form that morning, it did not leave until the day are after she left, a week or so later.
We spent all our time together and talked beautifully and openly, it was almost a real conversation. Wanting to fuck each other is not the stage we were in, it was beyond it but she didn’t want to if she couldn’t kiss me, and I didn’t really want if I couldn’t taste her pussy at some stage in the event.
I really love eating you out ladies, your juice all over my face, squirting into my mouth, the noises you make, is pretty damn awesome if I am being honest.
The last night we stayed together anyway, talked, looked into eyes, felt one another’s skin, we did it all night. I did not touch her wet pussy or hard nipples, and she didn’t put her hand around my hard dick, the sex part was all or nothing.
Jealousy crept into our conversations, I couldn’t stop seeing it, Laura’s eyes started to become really sharp, a cruelty presented that was not going away. Every time I thought to mention another woman I learned I had to justify the connection quickly, Rachel, she’s my sister, before moving on. Our safety was compromised.
Let it be known, you present something as harmful as jealousy to me when you say you are free and open and I will make sure it is tested at every opportunity. We will break it open and remove jealousy from your life together, or I will remove myself from us.
Effectively the second occured, Laura is stuck on her path and I would not allow the stuckness to stick me. Jealousy dominated her being, she was doing terrible things with it, abusive controlling things, she started them on me with her anger and demanding I speak a certain way, not say certain words, true words, my experiences.
Suddenly, I was not allowed to be me anymore.
The suddenly came with continued contact in the month between her leaving and me flying to meet Laura in Colombia, we had planned a two-week fuck fest. Jealousy and only jealousy got in the way, not fucking happy Jan.
I was not allowed to mention another women’s name without Laura attacking me and demanding I do not talk about these things regardless of how relevant to our discussion they were. She told me nobody had ever made her feel this terrible, exactly the same words from Emma, and I responded matter-of-factly that I do not tolerate jealousy, being controlled, having others unaddressed issued forced onto me. I will not be violated, I will not be the victim of your violence.
Me not allowing you to violate me is the feeling in your body, nothing to do with me, completely 100% you and your toxic life being dictated and dictating the lives of others through something as terrible as jealousy. It is you trying to tell You to wake the fuck up and be better.
Especially when you try to tell me you are a seeker, have found the path and only project love to the world.
Nuh uh, not while you project jealousy you are not my friend, not at all, not anywhere near any of those things. You are blocking your path, others path, and now my path to a fucking fuck, be better buddy.
All female buddies, all buddies, but females moreso, stop projecting this awful shit. There is no love in jealousy, only hatred, control, the end of a rope, missing out some bloody good dick.
The best compliment
Like, ladies, when you compliment me make it mean something.
I don’t care that you like my smile, muscles, the way I hold my head up when I walk. Do not care. I care that I matter in your life, added value to it, and that you did the same for me.
Lorraine, during our goodbye hug says, Fred, thank you, you have restored my faith in men. Buddies, is there a more beautiful comment for a man? Actually, I do have one, will come back to it.
Chatting to Mark about future family, but Fred, you have a family and it is a commitment. Your disinterest in ever being an old man might need to be rethought.
‘Hear ya’ Mark. But any kids only need me until they leave home, from there they are independent and on their own. I’m free to go then. Not saying I will be an old man at 69, but I might be, who knows.’
Mate, if they are your kids they’ll never leave home.
‘Thanks mate. I’ll put an 18 years clause on it.’
Of course you will!
But, even better, Mark isn’t a toucher, barely a hand shaker, we hugged goodbye. Beautiful thank you hug built through trust. Thank you Fred, you coming here has made a lonely man less lonely. MAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAATEEEEEEEEEEEESSSSSSSSSSSSS, is there a better compliment in this world?
Maybe one.
Imogen has been renting the spare room from me for about six months. English backpacker, attractive, nice body, but not my cup of tea in a romantic sense. The final weekend before Imogen heads home.
I’m outside cooking the barbecue, shorts, a singlet, beer to the left of me, steaks on the barbecue in front of me, cigarette in the right hand. Fred, I just realised that you are a man!
Oh, I mean, sorry, didn’t mean anything bad by it.
‘Haha, thanks Imogen. No stress bud, you could not have given me a better compliment.’
Yeah, the best compliment.
The only thing I need
We are reaching a point ladies, everything will come together in the moments we spend together, you’ll understand, I promise.
Ummm, no I do not, not ever. Only morons demand promises to other morons. My promise to Isaac, no not a promise, a knowing, it was not a question of whether I would do this thing or not, I had already started, no promise needed. Actions and words met one another every step of the way. Actions and actions walked side by side, as did my words with my words, do you understand?
Do you understand from your own experience? Everything I write, and I know you have read everything, is the same boring shit simply with a different story. If it wasn’t so absolutely beautiful in its truth you would not be here, I would not be here, it is not boring at all. We both know this.
My words will always say MY words, do you understand?
Therefore, I expect your words will always say YOUR words.
I made a promise a few months back, to a ridiculously beautiful little girl, to her beautiful brother, and to her, I have no words worthy, mother. Kellie, the pinnacle of beauty.
You know Kellie when you meet Kellie, every time you know her, do not even need to know it is her to know it is her. A silhouette enters my vision, it is a long way away, I have not seen this thing for seven or eight years but I know without any doubt of doubt in the world it is Kellie.
Kellie walks proud, absolutely, has every reason to, strongest of strong women. God she is a beautiful mother. Her kids inherited her pride, her boy, beautiful beautiful boy with the heart of a lion, the compassion of a broken mother, and her girl who is nothing but love and light. Harper, is the absolute definition of the two terms, the origin of them.
I promised Harper, with first making sure she knew it was not a promise, repeated the words so we both understood together.
Fred, Fred, promise it won’t be seven more years before we talk to each other again.
We are about 30 minutes into a two-minute game of cards by now.
‘Harper, I cannot promise you that.’
But Fred, I really love having you around, please promise.
‘Sorry Harper buddy. But, what I can do is guarantee I will do my very best to send you a card on your birthday within the next seven years, how about that?’
Fred, res please Fred, please promise you will.
‘Haha, buddy, no promises, but I do promise I will do my very best, can we agree on that one?’
Yep, do your best.
45 minutes later cards finished. Harper won of course. Legitimately so.
The best I can do for this beautiful family, for Kellie who opened her arms to me when she had every reason not to, is to do my best, there is nothing more. To her boy and daughter it is the best I can do too, and already I have a phone reminder to send Harper a birthday card next year, more importantly to repay Kellie what I owe her.
Her boy, beautiful beautiful boy, gets to see it is okay to be a man with a big heart in this world. He saw it with his own eyes. He knows it is hard, lonely, heartbreaking but absolutely chock full of love. Through my card, Harper’s beautiful reaction, he understands that this is the only man he needs to be, one who does what he says.
Harper she understands this too, she has people to remind her, she will be swept off her feet but not until she has swept many others. Strength is beyond the words for Harper’s being, beyond it, she just needs to trust that there are people that will do what they say when the say they will to explore it fully. Give her ridiculous gift of love to the world.
Because honestly ladies, doing what I say, it’s the only thing you need, none of the other junk. It’s the only thing I need.
I missed you
Man, I missed you ladies. Have been wanting to come here all day but other stuff, more important stuff, safety stuff rather than me gettin’ my wick wet got in the way. Safety, if it comes up when we are together, it always will take first preference.
Had the question come to my mind, if there was anyone in the whole wide world I could choose to be having sex with at this very moment who would it be?
Funny, the answer was immediate, Sarah.
Emma, no, god our sex was great. Emma, very experienced with her male counterparts, trialled a few, will admit it openly. Absolutely adore Emma’s freedom regarding her body, an example of one person who only wears clothes because it is necessary in our world. Our world is poorer for it. Ladies, you want to see the pinnacle of beautiful bodies go see this woman.
Don’t listen to a word she says, let’s make this part clear, but simply watch how she holds herself, pinnacle of beauty.
Emma’s beauty in her body, the body only plays a small amount. She just wears it, it is hers, it is the thing she has, she cannot be anything else but it so why bother? She isn’t skinny, more meat than Sarah/Miley, beautiful breasts, a bit less than my big handful, a chunky arse that is not generally my type. On her though, holy guacamole, GOOD BUDDIES.
Walking into Emma’s place in Deloraine, she says something about getting older and losing her shape, fucking hell Emma, there is nothing about your figure that is not appealing. ‘Well, my jiggly butt could be a bit smaller?’, all I could do was laugh.
Her freedom came to the bedroom, hahaha, phenomenal. I clearly brought it too, she orgasmed, first time ever from a dick, I stopped smoking for almost a year. It was that good. And, as luck would have it, shows you how I know you have a role to play in me quitting these lung busting disgusting things that have been such an important safety aspect in my life.
Cigarettes, one part of them among many, hence the strength of the addiction, they represent safety for me. My mother would have stunk like smoke when I was born, Dad a heavy everywhere, including inside, smoker. She, as you know by now is my benchmark for safety, cigarettes keep her in my life, keep me feeling safe even though I know I am.
But, Sarah, the choice isn’t even a choice. Sex for seven years was great, every time until the last half a dozen times. I know, from experience, that were Sarah sitting in my lap right now the last thing I would be thinking about is writing here. Just great sex.
The not great sex came with the same friends I have talked about elsewhere.
We experimented, like experimented, say it again Fred you know you want to, yeah, we experimented. Every experiment however came within the experience. After going at it for a while she would move her body, reposition herself, I’d reposition her, her me. We’d start repositioning my cock, tried other holes, started in them with tongues and fingers. She wanted to try something, so I figure its only fair I try it too, Sarah the same approach. Found out it was all bloody good.
I said no she did not even bother to push, I barely said no, there was a reason. Vice-versa, same same. Trust, absolute trust allowed our sex to be as consistently great as it was.
It became shit when Sarah pre-planned our exercise, came into talking about this thing and that, and I would barely have stuck myself inside her and she is trying to move over to the whatever is on her mind. There was no flow, it was just a thing to do because others are. The shit part is, had she not brought it in like this, we probably would have been there within minutes anyway.
The thing above too, child’s play for us, nothing more. It’s like sticking the end of your pinky in your poo hole for the first time, everyone has done it even though they don’t like to admit it.
Homophobes you too, Danyel I know you have mate, just the tip? A whoops, or even a little oops, as the knuckle sinks in? An oh, well, I am here now, might as well play around a little? Did you get a boner? Of course you did, fingering your own dot is pura-fucking-vida.
I said no, not like this. But. Our trust suddenly broken, she didn’t just say but once, not accept my no once, it happened three times. Sarah, after seven years of pure trust, broke it three times because I didn’t want to be a porn actor putting on a performance.
Every time we had sex, or sex was an option from here on and I said no it wasn’t accepted anymore. Our sex was terrible too, like WTF, seriously.
The last time we had sex I came in her arse and despised every second of it, did not enjoy it at all. Cumming does not mean enjoyment, I just wanted to get out of there.
I was still struggling with the previous night, it didn’t make sense. A nurse. The Top End. That. Encouraging it. My life’s fight. Not allowing me to say no.
Put your hands around my throat, Fred.
‘No, Sarah.’
Come on, I really enjoy it.
‘Sarah, I said no, I should not have to say no more than once.’
But, come on Fred just once, come on.
‘Sarah, I said bloody no mate, how fucking stupid can you be?’
I pull out of her.
‘You are a nurse in Darwin, you see the outcomes of domestic violence in every single thing you do, you see the horrible every day, for fuck sake mate! There is no scenario, none at all, where I need to put my hand around your fucking throat except for violence.’
Fred, please stay, please, please.
I left clearly.
Safety in sex ladies, let’s work to create this space together. Cannot fucking wait!
Me
G’day ladies,
Let’s get a few more things out of the way, after all I have the capacity for violence too.
Already you know about squeezing Isaac. Also, have been in two barnies, number one as funny as hell, about 11 years of age.
Josh was supposed to fight Phil, decided he didn’t want to in the end. Phil agreed to Josh stepping down provided he could find a champion in his place. Yeah, very Game of Thrones, ahead of our time. Of course, the champion being me.
Rules decided first, first one to cry loses, nope first one to bleed, nope again, first one to hit the turf. Cool, rules done.
Ding ding.
Whack.
Tears, blood and on the ground, definitely the winner was clear. Me.
By the next morning we were all mates again. Pretty tough spot Alvie Primary to have enemies. The three of us, Scotty, Bryson, Kayne and Kane, Sam, Rachel and Jessica were pretty much our entire class. Plus Toby, but Toby is necessary for the God fearing felllows.
The second a pub brawl, Woden Blues versus Ireland. Chairs, tables, anything that could be thrown on the top of punches, headbutts and kicks was tossed. My participation, a coward punch, the one, hit a bloke in the mouth, cut my hand up to buggery. No winners in this one.
Playing football, a terrible sling tackle onto hard ground when I was angry at life, nothing else, angry. Took it out on my opponent, terrible thing.
Finally, Sarah, frustrated as hell one night. Our final New Years Eve together. Horrible night, we both were terrible together, not going to highlight Sarah’s behaviour, she didnt get physical, I did, no excuses.
1am in the morning or so, Sarah being the brat of all brats, I put my hand around her ribs and squeezed a little.
No, I did not, not a little, absolutely made sure she felt it. It was way too hard, even touching her out of frustration was way too much, it would have hurt, it did, her reaction made it clear.
All the rubbish behaviours in this whole thing I have participated in my own way, bar jealousy. I know I have the capacity for violence, I have before and have the potential to again. I am a human being, just like you.
Removing violence from my projection came from understanding what I projected rather than pointing all my fingers and toes at others and not having the capacity to look and point at myself in the mirror.
Like, seriously, simply, the best life, the safest one can only come from you. If you are not safe then nobody is safe around you.
A real conversation
A conversation, a real conversation, a really really beautiful real conversation.
Five of them actually. Five, but they add up to one.
Anja and I met at a backpacker, I knew I liked her within moments but she confused me a little. From Austria and I still maintain the burning desire to ask her if her family were descendants of Eskimo’s, never seen a face like it. Her features make no sense to me, do not know if they are attractive or not, do not give a fuck to be honest.
Knew I like her, you’ll probably understand after subject two of our first conversation, five minutes in.
How long are you staying in Banos for Fred?
‘Leaving tomorrow, heading down to Puerto Misahualli.’
Where’s that? What is it?
‘A beautiful property called Magia Verde, mainly looking to relax. Have an interest in San Pedro cactus, they facilitate cactus and ayahuasca.’
Do they really? What was the name of the place?
Yep, big fan already.
We parted ways yesterday, shared our only hug, so so beautiful. Do not know if I will ever see her again, do not care, but completely care. Anja, mates, added nothing but value to my world, and me hers.
There is no burning desire inside me towards her, nothing driving me to hope and hope that she understands our time together, realises that sometimes drugs and medicine are not the medicine and drugs that we need. At the same time, she is everything my world needs right now, absolute value.
Our conversations, drugs versus medicine, let’s help you understand it too.
Magia Verde, first night sitting together Anja talks about medicine, cannot remember the subject matter but it was medicine and she uses the word medicine when referring to the psychedelic family.
My turn to speak, start to tell my story and instead of using medicine like my friend. Instead, use drugs when referring to the psychedelic family.
Fred, they’re not drugs, don’t call them drugs.
‘Buddy, they are drugs, they affect my brain, they are drugs.’
But they’re not, drugs makes them sound like they are something bad.
‘Anja, they are only words bud, the word itself does not matter. What matters is the meaning to me, it means the same meaning as the words you use are to you.’
Words have power.
‘No, they don’t, they only have power when I let them have power.’
Back and forth like this for about 10 minutes in a really beautiful way. No anger, no frustration, both expressing our position, being allowed to, building trust.
Day two – Wachuma Ceremony
Conversation starts again about eight hours into our trip together.
Fred, can you stop calling the medicine drugs, they are not drugs, the words you use have power.
‘Anja, again, they do not. Only have the power that I let them take on. It’s what I do with them that gives them power. If I am me first, then use my words, they don’t really matter.’
No, what we say and the words we use to say it has a lot of strength. They are important.
‘I agree bud, but the strength in my words is not my words. The strength is that I am sitting here in front of you and presenting me, nothing but me, the me I am before I bring words into my world. I let myself express myself and then choose the words for the expression. The power, absolute power, is in being who I am first, and the words that come out of my mouth second.’
I point straight at Anja’s face, do it with intention, muscles are flexing in my wrist and forearm, my being goes into it.
‘No words can describe that thing, how powerful it is, nothing at all.’ Anja nods in agreement.
Point the same finger at me.
‘None can describe this thing, how powerful it is.’
Open my palm, relax, face it to the sky as if I am holding the moon to my heart.
‘The same applies to us all, every human, the only thing getting in the way is our words, and what we let them do to us.’
Her smile friends, her beautiful beautiful smile, she understood. We moved on.
Day Seven – Waiting for the big tree gate
Sitting down on the kurb waiting for a lady to come and open the gate to the big tree, deep in my process, Anja sits down next to me. A few minutes pass.
‘I knew it before the Wachuma, finished with these things. All the drugs I put in my stomach, with the exception of mushrooms. I do not need them any more.’
Why do you have to be so negative about them all the time, continually calling them drugs. It doesn’t make sense.
‘Mate, this is attachment. When you say medicine I say nothing, only get stuck into your words when you do not accept me saying mine.’
But, my environment is so positive and great, I know the words are important.
‘Your environment pal, is all attachment, people feeding one another’s egos. Yes, it is better than what it was but it is not what it is. I know this because attachment is getting in our way, you are not willing to hear me through the words I use.’
Shaking her head, no, no, no, it’s not.
‘Anja, out of all the rubbish we are doing here the only thing that matters to me is we are all the same thing doing the same thing.’
I point at myself and say ‘I am God’, I point at Anja and repeat it, point at the two beautiful young men paying full attention to the change in my body language and seriousness in my voice, repeat it, swirl my finger around the air, ‘as is everything else.’
‘The only thing that matters to me, the only FUCKING thing, is I know you are my sister, every single person on this earth is my brother and sister, it is the only thing I care about. Nothing else mate.’
Anja nods, reflects for a moment, looks at me,
Fred that is belief too. That everyone is God, and God is the thing.
‘I know it is Anja, of course it is.’
Not the response she was expecting, a light glitters in Anja’s eye, I have her full attention, it is what I need. My body language too, no aggressiveness in it, simply back straight, head in a direction all my friends could hear, clarity and absolute precision in every word. Was demanding attention by presenting the powerful being we are, then letting it express me.
‘But, it is not at all.’
‘When I reflect on what this thing we are doing is, even God means nothing to me. Reflecting on my world I ask questions, where do I come from, where did that come from, and that, that, and that. I go beyond the animal, the earth, universe, dimensions, God, spirits, entities, every single word you can think of.’
‘At the end of the day the closest answer I will ever have is nothing, there is no other, it is a nonsensical answer and means absolutely nothing at all. There is no duality, no somethings and no nothings. The best understanding we humans have to it is as we open ourselves up and start to realise from the nothing in our head comes a world of absolute possibility.’
From nothing comes everything.
‘Exactly bud, so, when we come from nothing therefore all of our stories came from the same place. They are all nothing. They are all everything, they have to be, they came from the same thing. BUT, the most important aspect to understand is they are absolutely in no way any of what this thing is. Understand this first and then you can understand my words.’
The lady showed up and opened the gate to this phenomenally beautiful tree. I want to talk more about this moment but we’ll come back to it.
Day Seven – Lunch, the final conversation
Waiting for our food to arrive and I start to say something about the medicines, and pause to contemplate using my word or Anja’s word. Safety is being compromised. Enough is enough, I want this woman in my world, we need to understand one another. I say drugs with a smile, turn and face Anja.
‘Anja, I need to finish this medicine and drugs conversation. Would love to continue seeing you but first we need to understand each other, speak the same language.’
‘When I exist in the world I come from, especially the one where my old family exists I need to be accessible to them. Should they come to me one day it needs to be me who receives them, nobody else. My heart breaks without them in my life, they are always welcome, and should that time come I need to be me. I will always be me.
My language needs to reflect safety, safety is in being the brother that they know, nobody else. More importantly being me is who I love to be, it is where I came from, am and am going, it’s who I am.’
Anja smiles, I am.
‘Yes, mate, however I word it differently, add me on the end. It means the same thing, nothing, I can make it what I want but it makes sense to Me. I am Me made sense to me, I am did not.’ Point my finger at myself when I say Me, and I say it with power.
Anja nods, a smile is on her face, we are together at the same place in the conversation.
‘Medicine and drugs, I accept your view and words absolutely. You have told me what they mean to you, what the word means. I have told you what they mean to me, medicine in my world is depression. Medicine from my world is features without features, no smile behind the smile, zero laugh in the laugh, no glitter in the eye. Morbid faces getting around morbidly.
Drugs to me are the psychedelic family, the thing I love with all my heart. Drugs have been the best of the best times, nothing but smiles and open hearts. And they are work, ridiculously hard work, you know this, you saw it with your own eyes. What I went through on Wachuma was extremely painful.’
A tear is in Anja’s eye, she is starting to understand, yes, you did really well.
‘But.’
Haha, always a but, Fred.
‘Haha, yeah mate, this but is important.
The most important aspect of all of this is to understand that I come to understanding through the means available to me. You come to understanding through the means available to’
Me. The smile is ridiculously beautiful now, we are almost there.
‘Yes. Now we need to understand this further, my means are my family, socialising conditioning, Australia, being a man, influences, interests, backgrounds, learned behaviours, and all the rest of it. My language. As yours are yours. They are completely different worlds.
Freedom is equally available to those from my world, somebody like me, someone more mechanical, as it is to you and your world.
Most people, Anja, will relate to you in this environment, however some people need me.’ I close my hand into a fist as I finish the line, maintain it for the rest of the words.
‘When someone is front of us opening their heart we cannot let the words they are using get in the way of the story they are telling. Especially when the words they are using mean the same thing to them as our words mean to us.’
I understand.
Converation finished, ridiculously important outcome achieved, we are now speaking the same language. The beauty of a real conversation.
Gaslighting
Gaslighting, not gas lighting, similar but different, still exactly the same.
Ever seen a newbie try and light a gas burner? It is caution caution caution. The person doesn’t get it right, singe’s the hair on the fingers, the smell comes up, caution is increased. Watch them next time and the lighter and flick to try and light the flame gets quicker, the time it takes to pull away faster again. A consequence is blocking the way to calmly lighting the fire. Come back to this.
Side note, when one is at a cafe that has a bunch of art hanging around and they are looking for an ashtray it is better to confirm the item chosen is actually an ashtray rather than art on display. Learnt this from Anja, she grabbed what she thought was the receptacle, it was not, fuck it was funny friends. Just put my dart out and the lady comes over, ummm, that is not an ashtray, it is art. Oops. Replaced by an ashtray, it was an ashtray, a proper glass one.
Took this learning with me when buying an ashtray for the apartment. A beautiful little wooden salt holder which is perfect, but first I asked to make sure using it for the intended purpose was not going to offend anyone. Didn’t even offend the bloke when I walked straight out of the shop after he wrapped it up for me without paying. You pay I hear as I walk away. ‘Ha, sorry mate, was having too much of a good time, forgot about the money.’ I was too, we had a great chat, laughed for a few minutes together and I simply forgot about the money I was holding in my hand. We laughed again, good times.
Gaslighting, from Google, manipulate (someone) using psychological methods into questioning their own sanity or powers of reasoning.
Sarah accused me of this, she didn’t understand the term. She didn’t understand that she was the perpetrator, that me not accepting her lying about everything all the time, and I mean absolutely everything, is not gaslighting.
I lied too, once, only once when I first told her about Isaac. It was really hard, no excuse, I was merely a sperm donor to Amanda, to everyone else I was a dead beat Dad. I said as such, I have a kid, donated sperm, was all that was wanted from me. Didn’t mention the abuse or the true scenario, I should have.
Everytime I caught Sarah out lying which was all the time she just brought this one episode up and accused me of gaslighting. First she didn’t, didn’t have a term for it, when she learnt the word it came out repetitively. Shook my head at this stupid woman every time.
My gaslighting to Sarah is that I refused to fix her problems, be the only solution, be her reason not to approach anybody for anything. Work, God it was stupid, every night complaining about the same rubbish. Months and months worth, Sarah, I am not your soundboard, happy to listen but not if you are just going to use me as the complaints department and do absolutely nothing about it.
Continued for months more, I put a stop to it. I don’t want to put up with this rubbish any more. Absolutely willing to listen to you and work through shit but, again, not if you aren’t going to do a single thing about it.
She never did.
Started a new job, same shit started, only gave it a few weeks this time and the same responses. Refused to deal with it anymore. Do something that does something mate, this shit, ruining our space with nothing but complaining gets nobody anywhere. Talk to the damn people you need to, the people who can do something about it, your hierarchy.
Again, never did.
Would complain to her colleague when something went wrong, I’m not allowed to talk to my partner about this stuff, does not want to hear it, not interested in my issues at work.
Gaslighting step number one, make yourself to be the victim, treat the actual victim like the perpetrator of whatever behaviour, make sure everybody knows it. Never look in the mirror.
This was Sarah’s continued narrative about me, completely unsupportive when all the evidence to everybody, including her was contrary to the statement.
A year after we met I am considering breaking it off, nothing Sarah told me about herself in the first few months of conversation was true when everything I said was. I thought you weren’t serious about any of that stuff, just stuff you liked. I liked it too, wanted to be like that. Did not expect that you would actually be those things all the time.
‘Sarah, mate, so the shit I said that you fell in love with, the shit I ended up living is now a problem because everything you told me about yourself was a lie and what I said was not, so now I am the one at fault? At fault for telling you the truth every step of the way?
You didn’t tell me the truth, what about Isaac, if it wasn’t for that maybe I would not be here.
‘Mate, if you had of told me the truth we would not have proceeded from our first conversation together.’
Sarah told everybody the cunt I was, the cunt I was for being bloody honest, everyone started attacking and singling me out, made sure I knew that I was the enemy at all times and Sarah had nothing to answer for.
Gaslighting example one.
Example two;
Amanda and I are choosing names for the unborn baby, unsure of the sex to this point. Female names are on the agenda, there are a few I like, none of which Amanda likes.
Amanda starts jabbing and teasing me for the names, I hold my ground, I like them. The next time I go to her place everybody is laughing at me, sniggering, saying stupid pathetic remarks using the names that I like. I am completely isolated already.
Amanda and her family did this to me at every single turn, made sure my opinion and wanting the best for this child meant nothing to them. They were already using Isaac as a pawn in their pathetic game.
Gaslighting, the example with Amanda, is a simple a version to understand, work back to understand Sarah. Reflect and know you do this yourself.
Simply gaslighting is when I do not accept you and make sure everybody else rejects you too, I isolate you and make sure you feel powerless.
Gaslighting, gossip and jealousy always hold hands. Do you understand the harm created by this rubbish?
It starts with little things, breaking down the confidence of the target, it expands and expands to ensure they know they have no say, no rights, no power in this situation. It leads to isolation, isolation makes it near impossible to stand on one’s own two feet.
Fred did this to us, isolation, moved the family to the other side of the country, away from all support networks. Absolutely made sure we were as isolated as could be form all support.
I also took Sarah over the side of the country from her family, in this case it was the best thing, they are trash, well her Dad anyway.
However, big however, the moment Sarah and I started talking and getting along, the point it was clear there may be something to pursue here I made sure she knew everything she needed to know. One Isaac, in the wrong way, two, Sarah, this works out I am happy to come with you to Melbourne for the year it takes to finish the nursing stuff but after I am heading straight over to Western Australia, you are welcome to come or not but I am not staying in Victoria.
She agreed and it is exactly what we did.
Gaslighting, as with most of the behaviours mentioned, is about isolation from peers, community and one’s own voice. It is the same as the isolation Fred created for us, the same outcomes, the same powerlessness.
The sad thing about Sarah is I know she is still lying about everything, and I am not. It’s part of the photo request stuff to her constant contact.
When I said I convinced her to send photos I did but I did not repeat the request for the sake of requesting it. Every time she contacted me I replied with, ‘Sarah, have talked about this, I want nothing to do with you, there is nothing you can give me I want. Give me something I want with your rubbish, photos, and then I will reply to you.’
The same line as a response each time, didn’t push unless she responded, my response of course did not change.
Gaslighting, gossip, jealousy are all the same as the example starting the post. I break your confidence a little and you start to be hesitant, I continue breaking it and the hesitation becomes amplified, I completely dominate your every word and your power is completely taken away.
The more people I introduce to my abusive system the quicker you lose all power, the more difficult to find a way to get it back, even know there is the possibility to find it again.
Let’s say goodbye
I reckon we are almost done ladies. Didn’t mention much about gossip but you know the effects already, absolutely, I am the victim and the outcome.
Mentioned with the fam that all I did was stop talking about you when you weren’t here, made sure you were there when I did. Also talked about me in the process. It’s what gossip isn’t, telling the truth to those who need to hear it, instead we say it to those who don’t, can do nothing about it. Everyone breaks everybody’s heart, destroys families, takes lives away.
Suicide, here I mention mine, the two times actually. Yeah, two times when I really think about it. Both times I was committing suicide, it was my only aim.
Amanda’s sister, piece of junkie trash used suicide as a weapon on her family, she did it over and over. Pretended to do it over and over. Like pretended, yes, did something to herself but never enough to do anything but destroy our lives. Amanda came running into the house one day and collapsed at the step because she was so ridiculouslty broken after this scumbag tried to kill herself again.
One night I told her to fucking do it, stop ruining people’s lives and fucking do it then.
Properly people, not for attention, I knew how, as I will always know. Jump from something really bloody high. First time it was all that was stopping me, which high place? Who am I putting at risk to do this? Nobody but the authorities could find me, it was important, but even they had to be able to get in safely to recover me. Second time I was walking to the highest cliffs in Australia when Centrelink opened its door, that one is very high.
28 years old, a victim of the worst gaslighting I know, complete bullying, rape, a system that allows this shit to be gotten away with. I had no two feet to stand on, not even you would listen to me, the woman supposed to represent families on the phone. This woman literally called me a Dead beat Dad, used the words, because I said I should be able to trust my partner will not abuse her power of the pill to destroy two people’s lives. Mine and Isaaca. Rep blamed it completely on me, my fault and my fault only, I asked her how she can think she can represent families when she is the most toxic of feminists.
Yeah I should have protected myself. You trust me to when you ask me to and I do. I fucking should be able to trust you when you ask me not to, knowing you do too, protect us.
Diseases, yeah, one thing, don’t give a shit to be honest. I’m safe enough not to worry, use condoms until a trust is built and then if my partner is on the pill fuck off with condoms, unless of course she has something I do not want, the condoms stay. If I want to fuck you in the middle of the bush on a hike now I can, and not just in the mouth or arse, fucking oath GOOD BUDDIES!
I wouldn’t let my family gossip and the outcome is me. A really good man is driven to a cliff, a really good man who absolutely adores his life is driven to a cliff because there is simply no safe way forward for him to live in his home country. His family completely abandoned him.
Now, the same really good man has sought asylum on other shores. Asylum, a political refugee, it cannot be argued, how I can be sent to war and then be let starve when I have over $200,000 of my own money sitting there waiting is beyond me, beyond any rational understanding. Only the most violently conflicted government, and its people, could allow this.
I need this money friends, the pension too, I need it. I want it all now, the rest of my life will be free. Coming back to that country is a trauma I never want to have to cope with again, address, sit with. It is the ultimate prison to me. This site is a story of severe severe trauma, it all came from those shores, I simply must not go back. It is too much.
But, YOU, contribute Woman, all of you. The shit on those shores, you contribute, you do all the shit in this heading, you do the gossip that has led to my fucking sad isolated life.
It is, folks, it is, it is fucking sad. Nobody is as alone as I am, nobody on those shores anyway. I don’t want to be alone, I don’t want to lie, because of this I am the alonest of alone in Australia. Because of you, ladies, I am the alonest of alone. You need me to lie to you to be with you, like WTF.
There will be no beautiful letter to end this, it is just this. You may have noticed a new heading, Sport. Also may have noticed that love is dominating its space, I adore that thing, the writing reflects it. Just getting started too.
Instead, with you, I’m going to show you what you fucking morons missed out on without lies in your life, all of you, Sarah especially. If this is the dumb she needs to understand about herself to wake up so be it, it’ll destroy her soul, needs to. It’ll be a brand new heading, whatever that is, it’ll be clear it is the next chapter to this chapter.
I offered myself to everyone, nobody took it, would not take a man who would not lie. So, I’m going to show you what happens when someone accepts my offer, the life we live. It’ll show you beyond doubt what discrimination, lying, gossiping, gaslighting and all the shit in your toxic life does, the things you miss out on because of it.
I’ll teach by showing you constant live examples of how Me and Woman treat eahother to get you to understand what love is, true love is. What you missed out on, what you have never experienced a breath of.
It’s the other truth in my sad life, it is phenomenally beuaitful, you know this already. Every breath I breathe is true love, there is nothing at all like my life friends. Nothing at all. Again, I’ll show you this to show you what you missed out on, hopefully opening your hearts to something different, much better, in the process.
Ready when you are Woman, see you soon.