Dear Woman,
I write to you today because I miss you. All though I do not understand the need for my continued isolation from you I know that it is necessary, I know you will come to me when I am ready, when you are ready, I will not pressure you no matter how much I miss you.
I am not a feminist, I refuse to seperate myself from my brothers, I am not a meninist, I do not represent this terrible thing. I do too simply by looking like, projecting myself, choosing to identify as a man. I am an equalist, I do not believe that equality is the way, I pursue it because I know it.
I know equality is equality. There is no gender, race, language, religion, imaginary border or belief system in equality. Not one is more important than the other, none has the rights to rights the others do not.
My physical appearance, my strength, my ability to look you in the eye as you are unable to look into mine does not make me different to you. My physicality and masculinity does not void me of compassion, care, empathy, love, nurture, the ability to act from my heart. These are not qualities reserved for the feminine of our species.
Your femininity, physical appearance does not make you fragile, weak, incapable of looking me in the eye, unable to stand on your own two feet for the shit that needs standing up for. Strength, leadership, aggression are not reserved for the masculine.
My feelings, emotions, care, love, inner strength have nothing to do with my sex, they come from my being, they represent my heart, the heart within every human being. We are all the same, physical appearance means nothing, it is not a tool of separation.
In fact I know, as you do, that to pursue equality with any other motivation other than equality is not equality. Revenge, abusing innocents who have done nothing to you simply because they represent the roots of your trauma is violence, it is the same violence that was done to you, you are the violent now. The same violence you are screaming to remove while you project it onto others, how can you not see what you actually contribute to the world?
Woman, I miss you, I will do nothing for you. I will not prioritise you, our relationship will not bring you rewards or advantages, you cannot sell or give yourself to me, I can not and do not want to own you, I will never see another person as a possession. I want nothing from you, I need nothing from you, you can give me nothing I cannot give myself.
The only thing I want from you is to be who you are, the closest thing I have to a need is that you let me be who I am. I will stay with you because I want to, because this thing with you brings value to my life, together we bring value to one another’s existence.
I will not protect you, or solve your problems unless you tell me what you want from me. I do not know what you want and I will not pretend to. I know you want to communicate freely with me as I do with you, so do so, tell me what you want, what you need when you need it as I will do for you.
I will not stop you from living your life, from experiencing you, and there is no possible way for you to stop me. Living my life is living my best life, if the best life is the one with you that is where I will be, if it is not I will not be. Same for you, I will not hold onto you to fill my own aloneness.
We will communicate, about everything, there will be no taboo, there will be no jealousy. There may be, we will talk about it anyway, we will both know it is safe to do so, that I do not need to protect your feelings as you do not need to protect mine. I know in truth that lying blocks my path, it blocks yours, it will block ours, I am putting a stop to it before it starts.
Anything, anything at all you need to experience I will support. By need this means you will understand why you need to do it, as I will understand why I need to do what I do before doing it. The safety in our space allows allows us to act rather than simply react to every attachment screaming from within our being.
I choose to emphasise this so that you understand. Anything at all. Should being the attention point of a screaming eagle be that thing above all things you need to participate in I will support you. Not only will I support you I will sit in the room and watch to make sure you are safe. You will not expect me not to laugh at the scene presented in front of me in future conversations, you will allow me to enjoy myself as you, possibly, enjoy yourself.
I will not come on holidays with you unless I want to, I will not stop you from going, no matter what you do there you will be welcome home. I do not care what you do, I only ask that you consider my safety, in particular my health when participating in activites which may impact these areas in the future. You do not need to keep your activities a secret, you are not my property, I know you are experiencing yourself as you need to in order to not have those needs become a dead weight between us. I love you already, this is what true love allows.
You don’t have to be what everyone thinks a women needs to be in order to be with me, you do not even need to have a cunt. The sex I choose I base on what I project to the world. I choose my stereotype and titles based on the least confusing options available to me, the only option I choose for myself which is void of confusion is man.
I know for others the choice is not so simple, much more confusing, not so much for themselves but for those they interact with. I know that even if your nipples don’t get hard when you are aroused, your skin does not start to glow, your vagina does not get wet, none of these exempt you from the category. I know that even if you get a massive erection when I kiss you it doesn’t mean you are a man.
What matters more than any of this is what you project to the world, if you project femininity and then choose the stereotype of female for yourself you are a female. Should there be minimal confusion in your femaleness, there will be minimal confusion in me.
Let it be knnown, I prefer a vagina than an arse, it does thngs that other appendages cannot, I have also already mentioned some of things I enjoy in a biological female.
Now, I need you to understand this, when we communicate we communicate, we use both our rational brains and the less rational, but first we be rational. To get angry at biology versus choice is ignorance, gender choice versue biology are completely different subjects, one comes with serious safety concerns when it is fought.
We are seeing the separation this causes, seeing the ignorance and stupidity towards it causes, athletes of male biology competing in women’s sports. I will not continue, should you not be able to understand this sentence, you will not understand me, you will add no value to my life, you already add no value to anybody’s life.
I know when we have sex, from my own experience, that when a women of female biology moans she sounds like a female, everything that appeals to me. When I have sex with a women of male biology I know she does not sound like a female, I hear the huskiness in the groan, the voice box in the voice. You can do nothing about this and nor can I, all we can do is patient so we can understand together.
Really, that’s all I’m asking for you, for me, for us, to understand together.
There are some things which will limit us, but they won’t, they may not get in the way but they will. Excessive adipose tissue, I do not like tio touch, it does not feel nice, and it tells me many things about you, most importantly the significant confusion in your life. This confusion shows me you cannot be just you while I be just me, it will be very difficult becuase you are just not ready for the challenges that will be presented, the personal responsibility required to live with the challenge, the openness to be open to the harm you do to yourself.
Ultimately this is all I offer truth, breaking through the narrative that harms, opening our lives up together to be free in the space.
When you’re ready I’m ready bud.
Much love,
The Groundskeeper
Jealousy
Here we are going to talk about you a little differently ladies, the same way too, after all we are here to learn about violence together, how to remove it. To move forward we have to understand violence first, each other, you need to start understanding your violence.
Jealousy, I have never projected it in any way, I didn’t need to project it myself to understand the harmful impacts, was the victim of jealousy multiple times before I knew the word existed.
The first time, year six, 11 turning 12, and I am at Somer’s Camp.
Grade four, five and six I gave up every other school activity that cost money so I could go to Somers. Mum told me it would be necessary the first time I mentioned it, ‘Frederick, we cannot afford for you to go to Somer’s Camp and other school activities too. If it is what you really want I’ll save for it but you are going to have to be okay with missing out on what your friends are doing.’ Sure thing Mum. My sure thing Mum never changed, I did not argue or get upset when she said no to other things, reminding me of our agreement.
Somers Camp was my dream, I knew little about it except there were obstacle courses, high ropes, adventure walking, bush activities, sport, moving my body and having a bloody good time.
Somer’s was nothing like the other school camps where we are all together for three or four days doing the same repetitive activities. They were all great but time to explore alone was never available. Somer’s Camp was almost two weeks with only a small handful of people I knew, the other two or three hundred brand new. Two weeks and I could do the stuff I wanted to do and only it.
About eight days in I am walking through the quadrangle by myself, there are heaps of activities going on around me. Sport, chasey, people sitting around talking, all types of activity. The next moment I am on my back, looking up at a face staring down at me, ‘you fucking go near her and I’ll bash your lights out.’
I had no idea who the face was looking down at me or who it was talking about. I could not understand, God I was confused.
Two hours later I would be told the reason by my old mates and new, that girl over there Freddy, the really beautiful one, she has a thing for you and Jason has a thing for her, it is why he did it. ‘But, I don’t understand, I do not know her, or him, I did nothing wrong, I am just having fun.’ The guys tried to explain it to me, jealousy effectively, it was too complicated and I continued not understanding.
I would meet Jace two years later when he came to high school too. We ended up becoming friends to a degree, both good footballers, Jace extremely good, generally makes you automatic mates. But Jase outside football, with the exception of the example above, is a really beautiful man in all ways, just a beautiful man who gives a shit. He was 10 or 11 when he decked me from behind, this didn’t come from Jase, he was imitating the influences around him just like the Aboriginal boys.
We start on jealousy friends, I’ll open up my other examples too, hopefully we are starting to understand a little how your influence, the behaviours you project, influence your child without you understanding the outcomes of the influence.
Example Two
I am in year seven, it is term two, the first term was great and nothing of the anxiety I was feeling walking through the door that first morning.
A much different entry to my first day at primary school, ran and hid under the cars and refused to come out. When I eventually did come out I had such a bloody good time that I repeated the hiding when I was told it is the end of the school day and time to go home.
Walking down the hallways by myself, fairly busy, it is the year seven lockers, so my mates are all around. Three bigger boys from year nine I had never seen are walking in the other direction, all of a sudden I am on my arse in the most hideous of ways. Pushed between the boys before being flattened, almost bounced off the lino. Tears immediately, it hurt and I was confused at what just occured.
My mates picked me up, asked me what I had done to them. Done to who, what just happened?
Three or so more times it happened during the week, it continued happening every week, nobody was able to give me answer. We figured they just did not like me.
The three boys names are Paul, Simon and, I always forget the last one, a much smaller bloke.
Simon is the sister’s brother, the one with the rope, he is a beautiful fucking man. I have had nothing to do with the other two since they finished school. Paul’s sister Jessica was in my year, a really great person from what I knew about her.
Finally one of the year nine boys takes me aside one day, he has had enough of the coward shit these three boys are doing and bragging about. Fred, see that girl over there, the really beautiful one, you have probably heard about her and netball, she is really really good. She has the hots for you, the boys are jealous, it is why they are doing it.
I was really struggling now, school was no longer fun.
I didn’t know her, didn’t even know she was pretty when this bloke pointed her out, girls and stuff were not my interest, I just wanted to be a kid. Later, of course, I realised she was pretty, extremely, and phenomenally beautiful figure.
I never reacted to Paul and co, Paul the ringleader, nor did my mates, it pissed the guys off and they decided to take it out on my mates too. First mate they picked was a very VERY bad choice, Sam. Sam is a wet paper bag, was then is now, but still it was a VERY VERY bad choice.
Sam’s cousin was in year 11, Sam’s cousin was the one boy at the school that no other boy, even teams of boys would not even think about crossing, even year 12s, Stuey. Hours later I never had to worry about these three again, the rest of my time at school was safe.
A few years later I am playing football for Alvie under 17s, we are playing against Lorne in Lorne, I am 14. The smaller of the three above is playing for Lorne, it is early in the third quarter and my mate is running towards the forward line from the centre with the ball, old mate chasing hm close behind.
My body comes in between the two, shoulder connects completely fairly and flush with the torso of good buddy above, he is splattered on the ground, assisted off the ground and is still holding his ribs at the end of the game when he shakes my hand. Had no idea it was him, the action was completely fair in every way, my mates came and put their arms around me after it was so good.
Laura
I’ll continue talking about jealousy, after all ladies, jealousy is to you what physical violence is to men. Jealousy and the activities, gossip, leading up to its terrible outcomes, is the worst thing you do, it is a terrible thing that you do.
It cost me a root too. You know, as well as I do, when what you are projecting affects me I will not have it. You cost me a root jealousy and we are going to talk. She hadn’t rooted for 12 months either, might as well have been fucking a super horny virgin she would have been so tight.
Yep, good buddies, the vagina is very good at recovering its elasticity.
Woman, every one of you has abused me in this way, I have abused you in others, you those same ways too, but not jealousy. You and I are not even or anywhere close to equal in this. Other men yes, not me, Frederick Coenraad Nortje. I am your victim and victim only, never a perpetrator in this space.
The closest I have ever come to jealousy is camp jealousy. Seeing how cool my fellow campers setup is and having a mini-awe moment, it’s great. I do not want any of the stuff for myself and therefore do not lose my shit over it. I am not jealous, I am not toxic.
Jealousy is pure toxicity, it is not love. If you think the violence you are projecting towards that person you say you love is love, it is fucking not, you hate yourself so much, love is not a single part of your being. You add no value to this world. In fact, all you do is rape it of all safety, you jealousy projector, are a rapist. I am sick of being raped by you, it is personal.
Laura, French lady in Mexico, met on a bus walk organised through the Oaxaca library. We chatted briefly and ended up chatting a good way home, deciding to take a day trip together the next day to some beautiful springs.
Great day, I got to stare at a beautiful face, the beautiful body being in my peripherals all day, in a bikini. Yep, BUDDIES, nice. Laura clearly liked what was going on in the other direction too. Great day except the cold sore which started to form that morning, it did not leave until the day are after she left, a week or so later.
We spent all our time together and talked beautifully and openly, it was almost a real conversation. Wanting to fuck each other is not the stage we were in, it was beyond it but she didn’t want to if she couldn’t kiss me, and I didn’t really want if I couldn’t taste her pussy at some stage in the event.
I really love eating you out ladies, your juice all over my face, squirting into my mouth, the noises you make, is pretty damn awesome if I am being honest.
The last night we stayed together anyway, talked, looked into eyes, felt one another’s skin, we did it all night. I did not touch her wet pussy or hard nipples, and she didn’t put her hand around my hard dick, the sex part was all or nothing.
Jealousy crept into our conversations, I couldn’t stop seeing it, Laura’s eyes started to become really sharp, a cruelty presented that was not going away. Every time I thought to mention another woman I learned I had to justify the connection quickly, Rachel, she’s my sister, before moving on. Our safety was compromised.
Let it be known, you present something as harmful as jealousy to me when you say you are free and open and I will make sure it is tested at every opportunity. We will break it open and remove jealousy from your life together, or I will remove myself from us.
Effectively the second occured, Laura is stuck on her path and I would not allow the stuckness to stick me. Jealousy dominated her being, she was doing terrible things with it, abusive controlling things, she started them on me with her anger and demanding I speak a certain way, not say certain words, true words, my experiences.
Suddenly, I was not allowed to be me anymore.
The suddenly came with continued contact in the month between her leaving and me flying to meet Laura in Colombia, we had planned a two-week fuck fest. Jealousy and only jealousy got in the way, not fucking happy Jan.
I was not allowed to mention another women’s name without Laura attacking me and demanding I do not talk about these things regardless of how relevant to our discussion they were. She told me nobody had ever made her feel this terrible, exactly the same words from Emma, and I responded matter-of-factly that I do not tolerate jealousy, being controlled, having others unaddressed issued forced onto me. I will not be violated, I will not be the victim of your violence.
Me not allowing you to violate me is the feeling in your body, nothing to do with me, completely 100% you and your toxic life being dictated and dictating the lives of others through something as terrible as jealousy. It is you trying to tell You to wake the fuck up and be better.
Especially when you try to tell me you are a seeker, have found the path and only project love to the world.
Nuh uh, not while you project jealousy you are not my friend, not at all, not anywhere near any of those things. You are blocking your path, others path, and now my path to a fucking fuck, be better buddy.
All female buddies, all buddies, but females moreso, stop projecting this awful shit. There is no love in jealousy, only hatred, control, the end of a rope, missing out some bloody good dick.