Hey ladies,
Have come to the realisation that Dear Woman was a bit too formal for our purposes. Hey ladies fits the more casual nature of me and my affairs, so no point starting off all formal when it is false.
Never do I want to be formal. Never at all, I want to be me, just me. I do not dress formal, but what I wear to the formal I’ll also wear working in the garden tomorrow. It works for both occasions. You get me, just me, as anything other would be hypocrisy, a tipping point on the balance of power, inequality.
Simply because the request for you to be anything other than you would be asking for a life that I am not living. I live my life, mine, I want you to live yours too, for us to live ours together.
But, fuck that good buddies, living our lives together, always together. No. It does not need to be this.
I have dreams, outcomes I want to achieve, they are my only purpose.
One, to make sure attachment is not driving my dying, I need you for this, to experience the thing I have not in order to understand the experience. True safety amongst my peers, raising children in that environment, seeing what happens when control is not dictating our space, when freedom is actually free.
By peers I mean people, and within those people starting with you. It has to be you, there can be no other.
Twice in the last two months have I bedded someone and not been able to boner them, one identified as a woman and did not stem from traditional woman stereotypes. She was a woman, but not my type of woman. The times with traditional woman? Had to tame it down always almost, stiff as a post.
The other, a fuck buddy, a good bloke with a great body, a little feminine, a mate, but a fuck buddy. My ideal scenario. Horny as buggery and the thing flopped, flaked, fucked it all up when it should have been fucking it. This does not happen with women, well, it did once, a once I knew should have been a nunce.
Once in God knows how many times I have fucked you already.
Straight, but not completely straight. Yet I have not met a man, or the masculine at the moment of creation who interests me in this way, not even close. However, should we meet know these things because they are important.
Sex with the masculine, experiencing it, I have not to the best it needs to be for me to understand. You and me, I’ll spend my lifetime making it the best it can possibly be. You’ll keep me interested, I know that he, and any he, including a she he, won’t.
My mate today and me, maybe, it is a possibility for the experience, who knows, it will be or it won’t, no pressure. I will pursue it until I understand the experience enough for myself, whatever that looks like. You and me, we will not get in the way of my way. As we will not get in the way of your way.
I don’t need to sleep with another woman, not one, my experiences are broad and mostly based on a beautiful freedom to experience eachother. I know, in all your forms, you are a phenomenal thing, just a phenomenal thing, the most phenomenal thing, and hence I want to fuck you, just you, over and over and over and fucking over.
To experience you in fullness, to feel what it is like to be you, to be in your body, to feel what you feel is not possible. It is not. The best I can do is create a physical environment to experience you experiencing yourself completely, it is what I will do, we will do, pursue safety.
Safety, it is the only thing I want.
I will do my best to be the best version of myself, I will learn, it is what I do, it is who I am. To be better, to remove the barriers between you and me, starting with my English and grammar.
Cunt has calmed, the apostrophe is getting better, and the laziness on the hyphen recently will be attended to, it is the best I can do. It is what I will always do. It is what I have always done.
The second outcome, to raise my children by the model of their parents, for them to witness a life in which life is being lived. Where dishes are done dancing, weeding whistling, cooking as a community, where generosity and altruism are actually altruism and generosity.
I want to be here at every single moment, my children by my side. From watching to participating to getting the fuck out of the house, coming back whenever they want, until the day I die.
Three, you, I do not give a fuck about you, not a single fuck Buddy. You can do whatever the hell you want, sleep with whoever you want, be whatever you want, ṕursue a career, do you. But do you while providing for me and the kids, make sure our life is not impacted by your activities at all, allow us the freedom to be free together, to be a family.
Come home whenever the fuck you want. But, when you are here, tell us everything, talk to us about everything, your cravings and desires included. Help us all understand together, make sure it does not destroy our space. By it, I mean secrets, lies and treating us like morons.
Treat us like people, talk to us, as we will talk to you.
One day, some day, I know, as you do, through this, wherever this is will be where we are. We will be there together.
If you do not want a career; family is your focus, understand the sacrifice here too. We can make a life, a great life, we just cannot do it here. We must leave, we must live a long long way away. But, maties, we will be okay, we always are. In fact, it will be awesome. Just awesome sauce.
Ultimately, money and me, it is not a relationship I want to maintain. I do not want to charge a nickel, a dime, or a fucking quetzal for any of it, not even mention the option for donations. I want people to come into my space and feel safe, just safe. So safe they express themselves in all ways and open up their lives, they change their worlds, we change ours, WE DO IT TOGETHER FOR FUCK SAKE.
I am a passionate man, boy am I passionate, but you will not know it unless you look me in the eyes when I talk. I do not get upset and bitch and moan and scream and shout about the shit I care about. I speak calmy, slowly, clearly, I make sure I am heard. I am so passionate that the only passion you will hear is the tone of a man who knows what he is talking about, who has been there, who does not want another human being to go through what he is.
So passionate in fact that I will remove all the passion from my expression to ensure you understand me.
I am passionate about me, you, my brothers and sisters and especially the young people who’s passions are already those of other people. They are this way because of control, force, pressure, expectations, societal norms and stereotypes, all the rest of it, all the its that give me the fucking shits, that create separation and ruin our worlds.
Togetherness pal, togetherness, it is my heart’s true desire, my one and only interest.
Through this my ultimate goal, ultimate aim and outcome is to change the world, the whole thing. No, Lao Tzu, my good buddy and beautiful teacher, just myself, family, town, state and country is not enough, not even close. The world, the whole fucking thing is my aim, to make it a safe place for everything and everyone to be free to be themselves, to express and experience who they are, for us all to be better together.
A world where we can just simply be who we are together, nothing more, nothing less.
So, ladies, please, come fuck me already, on a regular basis.
Frederick
A backward step
Some more shit to know Susan.
I do not take a backward step, not unless it is to go forward. But if you’re going forward, and I am going forward and you block my path I will not step at all. Instead will stop and wait.
Inconsideration, shits me to tears, how seven men can think taking up the foot path yesterday, disallowing the oncoming traffic to pass without moving off the road is more of the its that give me the shits.
In my experience, you will tell me to step aside, let them pass. I will smile and say no. They will move or they will run into me, it is the outcome. They always move, I sigh an audible fucking hell and the cowards say nothing in return. This is the world we live in, an inconsiderate one, I do not step backwards, sideways or any other ways for it.
I will not block your path, and you will not block mine. I am alpha bud, the alpha, simply because I am Me, not a thing else, not one thing. You will not block my path.
However I’ll step backwards all the fucking time, will also step sideways, upways and downways, then I’ll wait. Just wait. For as long as it takes, whatever it is.
The other day, step to the side, a couple back and waited 10 seconds or more. Let a couple of ladies go past me.
Of course you did Fred!
Yeah, of course I did, didn’t have, had enough room for me to pass but I stepped aside and waited anyway, was so much easier.
One an elder lady, not elderly but elder, pretty, the other maybe 25 to 30 years younger, very pretty.
They were pushing prams, two kids about the same age, twins likely. The older lady was beaming with sunshine. The two kids as happy as can be, glowing in the light. The younger woman just looked content. It was beautiful friends, just beautiful. I would’ve waited a lot longer just to watch it, to see the beauty of my world laid bare before me in nothing but smiles and glowing spirits.
I wait, I wait all the time, I am waiting for you.
However, I will not wait a second more if inconsideration dominates your individuality, if you expect me to take a backward step just because you are scared. If this is you, forget about me.
I stand up for my rights, my personal space, my freedom. In doing so I am standing up for you, and keeping every promise I have ever made, the promise to be better than what I am expected to be. An absolute fuck-tonne better.
I am.
Experience Me
G’day again ladies and ladettes,
To be honest if you are a ladette, you are more my kind of lady. If you are a lady, together we’ll help you find the ladette.
The other day am having a coffee with Conny from the dream group, chatted for about two hours and Conny asked:
What is most important for you, Fred?
‘That the people in my life experience me for me rather than what they need me or something to be.’
It is pure simplicity, to experience the thing, whatever the thing, for what it is rather than what you need it to be. Experiencing life as it is: this is living in the now, being in the moment, allowing experience to experience.
People not understanding this basic simplicity continue to get in the way of the thing I desire, open free conversation, to experience me freely in company with you.
Safety, it is my heart’s absoluite desire. A safe world. Safe to be who we are together.
I want to experience you experiencing you, and for you to experience me experiencing me. Completely. Nothing else.
What you want something to be cannot get in the way, these are just stories that you tell yourself repetitively, stories that you are not understanding, stories that in all realities lead to nothing but separation.
The spirituality world screams for unity, oneness, togetherness, universal consciousness, and many other words. They scream and scream, we have all experienced it. These spaces reject and ask me to leave for bringing forward their separation, their ignorance and asking them to be better. They reject, vehemenently, and bitch and moan and argue, whole hoards of them, when I make example after example after example as my evidence, examples coming from them, coming from the results of these belief systems in the world, completely impossible to argue with any of it.
Yet, simply, and solely, because what I am saying is the truth and not what they want something to be it is completely rejected, and I am ejected, when I fucking should be sitting on a throne in front of them. Which is something that is no part of my being, bringing attention to myself, acting as some type of a superhero simply because I am more simple than you. Through that simpleness being intelligent to levels you cannot possibly envision right now.
Levels you will overtake in moments. I do not care to progress any more at all, not at all, but I will, it is what happens. Life is chill for me, even this work I do on myself it is no pressure chill, it is my way, it will not be your way.
Some of you are just obsessive workers, I never was and do not want to be. But, when it came to me, absolutely, obsessive I have been, my version, even it was chill. Many of your versions will not be so chill, not at all, you will progress to levels that I give no fucks about, will never reach, do not want to, it is not the life I choose.
The spirituality world, up until this point, the point in which they realise I cannot be forced into their systems, that they are starting to be shown up loves me to bits. Everyone hangs on every word I say, the words are exactly what they want to say, to make everyone look at them this way, but they cannot, are not there yet. This thing in front of them is the thing they want.
Until, of course, it does not agree with them, I do not agree them and then use examples of their world and behaviours to back it up when they only come to me with stories, fiction, make-believe, belief. I will not entertain ignorance when that ignorance is given more weight than the evidence, it is the dumbest and most harmful fucking thing a person can do.
To experience you I have to let you be you 100% completely. Right now, you are not being you, you are being something that others need you to be. We know this beyond doubt when ignorance enters our space. Every example in your world proves it, every example you are ignoring, every example you are doing.
To help this process, to guide you, to teach you to teach yourself I will wreck your I believe, absolutely destroy all existence of it, should you be able to understand why, when you do so, you will understand what I am talking about.
The moment, and there will be moments leading up to the moment, that you finally just sit there and express yourself in front of me without thought, without ego, without fear, without any doubt at all you will understand that is where living lives, where love means love, what freedom is. You will experience you and I will get to experience it, there is nothing I desire more.
Then, I will get to fuck you. Beyond doubt friends, this will be something spectacular!
Anja, every evidence of her experience of me, how we shared space together was everything she wanted. The way she was looking at me was so beautiful, the way I felt for her phenomenal.
There was no feeling other than being content. No love, desire, heart pounding, butterflies or any other stupid thing. It was perfectly content, it was perfectly perfect, it was the way I wanted to live the rest of my life. It was love. It was so simple.
It didn’t progress, I would not accept her ignornances, questioned them, did it in beautiful ways, the conversations were everything she wanted. But, the words, this thing in front of her was not what her stories needed it to be, so it was not good enough when, in reality, it is the best thing there is.
Your ignorances are a constant cause of my isolation that should not be, not if your I ams were actually I ams.
Laura, same thing exactly, but not even the spiritual shit got in the way, we were completely on the same path.
Laura, did you need me to be virgin? To never have touched another woman or even look at them with a flicker of a glint of a spark in my eye? Did you need this, while telling me about your previous partners and experiences? You can be sexually experienced and I cannot be?
So cannot be that you actually demanded that I not speak about these things, do not add my experience to our conversations, that I only say what you want in the way you want?
How ridiculously abusive, ugly, controlling your jealousy made you bud. Made you as ugly as sin, when the noise coming out of your mouth when you orgasmed with my cock inside you would have reached the deepest depths of hell itself were none of this shit in the way of your way.
You tried to stop me experiencing me, both of you, all of you, everybody.
I do not want ignorance in my world and I will not stand for it.
I want to be me buds, just me. YUour stories, beliefs and what you need me to be are not me, they are not anyone, they are not anything, they are nothing.
Just me is who I want to be, me is fucking awesome pals, pure awesome. As you is, but this is not you, not you at all, what you are giving now, not even close.
Experience you, experience me, experience what it means to be free.
Listening impeccably
A mate in Vilcabamba introduced me to the concept of speaking impeccably. He didn’t really, more used different words to describe a thing I do, same thing, different way to explain. Basically, a major theme of all parts of the Groundskeeper.
Randy misses a key point to speaking impeccably however, as most do, listening impeccably. Speaking in truth is useless if one is not also listening in truth.
Ainslie, and Emily, the twins, my beautiful nieces, only see a little bit of what they want. Both can see Rachel and I are trying our best to be the best version of who we are for them, for ourselves, for our life here to be different to what we knew.
Nobody, nobody at all, especially no child, let alone four of them, should ever go through what we did. Our homelife was hell, there is no other word for it, it was hell before we did a single thing wrong, before we said our first words.
Clearly, just clearly, we want better for our worlds.
The worlds of my nieces, all four of them, and my two nephews were only better to a degree. The degree that all the shit that was done to us was now being done to them, with the exception that none of the behaviours are/were to the degree we experienced. BUT, they were still there.
I fought mates, did I not say I am a passionate man? Oh, did I fight for me, for these guys, the loves of my life.
Every behaviour that was occuring in the households of my siblings was brought attention to, the good and the bad. I explained to everybody, the whole world, but my family in particular, how I also participate in everything I was pointing the finger at in them. The good was accepted, the bad rejected to the point that my life meant absolutely nothing to these people, my whole family, the extended included.
Now, somehow, because Rachel and her family are having the most beautiful of beautiful experience with their Uncle/Brother others expect me to come to them, again, like I always have.
Alfred, you ridiculous coward hypocrite, you expect me to come to you when you said so much to me during my last visit three/four years ago and then backed it up with absolutely zero action? No, mate, just no. I love you from the being of my being pal, but you are a coward. You, like all the others, were more than content to let me walk to, and jump from a cliff. You know where I am, come to me, I am here for two more months.
Do you know what their excuse was for all the shit I was saying that needed to be said? The drugs. This was it. The drugs.
I gave my life, every detail of it, destroyed myself beyond anything imaginable and now I still continue to fight for a future. A simple future, one that starts with me being alive, being able to provide a living for myself. I cannot, I have no future, I gave it up for you, this world, hence am asking for it to be given back to me.
I want to live pals, I really do, but I don’t need to, not at all. Each time I return to Australia is a harder and harder decision. Were I be forced to stay it would be an easy decision, I would not, it would be the end for me.
Returning, each time comes with the question, have I experienced enough, were I to finish me right now is this decision void of attachment?
One day the answer will be yes, it is not far away, should this be the case it is the case. For the answer to be no, an easy no, I must be working to the thing I want most, to experience true free family, Woman must be in my life at the very least. A child, a family, comes with the unsaid promise that I will provide until this thing which is dependant on me is not longer dependant. A family immediately comes with another 20 years. It is a simple simple process in which I live by.
My life, every nook and cranny of it, I gave away to save the children in it. These boys and girls have been given the greatest gift a human can be given. A man who was willing to listen to them, and then do what he said, give everything to make sure they were safe.
The girls cannot know this, so much detail was hidden from them and continues to be, they still do not know the true terms of the separation between their mother and Anna for a different but same instance. Anna is still maintaining a presence in their life under the most false of circumstances, circumstances in which she not only completely abused and shat on her relationship with Rachel, she did it to the girls too. They need to know this.
The best thing Mum did when she sat Benjamin and I down to tell us Fred would not be coming home was tell us the truth, he has a second family in Wollongong, he has been having an affair. There were no questions after that, nothing that needed clarification, Mum didn’t need to waste energy to protect our feelings. She treated us like people, it was beautiful and helped infinitely to move on.
Rachel’s girls are the same age as I was, Benjamin 18 months younger, they need to know, they need to be able to make a decision on a future relationship with Anna based on the facts. It is what I am working on with Rachel, share what needs to be shared, please do not hold it all in, Mum did this and it destroyed so much of our space, contributed heavily to the shit that took her life.
Ainslie, there is a lot more detail here that goes unnoticed, simple stuff that shows beyond doubt she is listened to, loved and cared for. Benjamin was left behind in our mess because he was quiet, was the primary witness rather than the primary victim of the violence. Everyone just thought he was quite, that his home life was a ok, when in clearly was not.
Ainslie’s smile is one of the most beautiful sights in the whole world, her face lights up, her eyes full of life, she glows all over, it is phenomenal to witness.
A few weeks ago the two of them put on a dance performance for us, dance battle. A mock fight expressed in dance that they spent the previous two hours choreographing and practicing. Oh my, it was phenomenal.
Emily, her character, curiosity and energy stood out completely, right there in front of me was Em, the true Em, the one I knew, Em only being Em. The thing she has given parts up to feel safe, the shit I am fighting to bring back, fighting by making sure she feels safe in every moment at home, here.
Ainslie, well, of course, her smile, she was impossible to stop watching. Emily is the better dancer simply because her frame moves in ways that most frames do not, Ainslie is a very good dancer too but she doesn’t have this advantage. Instead she has this beautiful presence, simply beautiful.
She is being left behind, she is the primary witness rather than the primary victim too, I see this, it is obvious. She feels left behind, forgotten about, unseen, that she is merely a shadow in her sister’s suffering. I know this because I talked to her about it, created a space where she felt safe to express what she needed to.
The shadow is changing, her smile is here more often than not again, the confidence is returning and she is starting to speak when she needs to. Emily was concerned about Ains that she didn’t speak and stand up for herself when she needs to. The same thing I saw.
With support it is changing. Rachel can be hard on Ainslie, much more so than Emily, it is unfair, sometimes it is very unfair, more a case of what Rachel wants to see rather than how things actually are. A month ago I corrected her when she was in such a moment, she argued and I stood my ground. She backed down, Ainslie was not in the wrong.
The behaviour conversation the other night, Ainslie was absolutely in the wrong which is what led to it. Tried to lie her way into what she wanted, this time Rachel was defended.
Ainslie is learning that she absolutely has support now, true support, as everyone else here does too. She is coming out of her shell, starting to speak when she needs to, is no longer having to continuously witness her sister being abused just for being who she is, like Benjamin had to. She does not have to be afraid anymore to express herself, hence this phenomenal thing that her face does when she is happy is back.
This is the detail they are missing while they are not missing it, their lives are much better and it is because they are being listened to, nothing more, nothing less.
Other little details, the kettle is always full in the morning when Ainslie comes out from her bedroom, she is always the first up out of the three ladies. It has also been recently boiled. The spaces for making her breakfast are clean, there is nothing she has to contend with to have a relaxed start to the day. No stresses at all.
When she comes in I am quiet, give her a big smile and say good morning, now there is always that beautiful smile coming back my way. If I am out with the dog the main lights are turned off, just the smaller one above the table which is dimmed right down remains, she has light but not so much as she goes all squinty, which she does when I am up and a main light is on.
The food she eats is made with absolute love, every meal she has eaten cooked by me has been beautiful, not a single example which has not been the case. Everything I do is also being done for them, improved and catered to their individual ways of living, they are being deeply listened to so to speak. Their environment is deeply improving because of it.
She sees other stuff too, has a laugh at the simplicity of it, her diet is much better than her sister, her sister very picky. There are things that are just great for people, also others that are great for a great dish, Em doesn’t want a bar of them. Onions for example, will not eat them, but she does now simply because they are diced so small she cannot see them, the food improved for all.
Em despises beans, the four-bean mix for example, but these things are both amazing for the human body and help to bulk up meals cheaply without changing the taste of it. If they are seen by Emily they remain on her plate or she eats almost nothing, so the beans are mashed up to nothingness and then added, she happily sits munching away on them now.
See, this is the difference between me and Randy, or me and you, me and everybody, my mouth does not flap unless it knows why it is flapping, knows that it is actually speaking impeccably. My ears and eyes are siginificantly more important.
Randy is a people pleaser, and therefore he cannot listen. Simple stuff, was staying at his place where he intentionally has two rooms for people to pay and stay, there was nothing to cook on there, the stove was not working. He has a second place in Vilcabamba itself he uses for his business, has a full kitchen, it is a 25 minute walk from home. Mentioned over and over that I could use the kitchen, while I mentioned over and over that cooking, being at home, is a massive part of my life which I adore.
Not once did I use the kitchen in town, it was not home to me, not where I wanted to be. After a month, more, there were still no kitchen facilities at home. After a month, more, I did not step foot in the other kitchen.
At Randys I was paying to stay, the full price so that I was not expected to work or do anything other than look after myself, respect the space and the other guests.
Sitting there doing nothing is not me, I want to work, look after my place (even if it is your place), create the most beautiful of beautiful environments, so this is what I did. I pay so I do not have to live in expectation, just do what I want when I want, which, as Randy worked out, is primarily working on the land.
Worked more than any volunteer who pays nothing, self-motivated, can find plenty of things to do without needing constant guidance. Randy said, as every person I have ever stayed with has, you are the best guest I have had, and you are extremely easy to live with.
We had beautiful conversations, he did not need to protect my feelings and worked it out quickly, nor did I.
I attended shit, helped out others, gave the nothing I have left, gave it all, just me, this frame/shell and what it can do.
All the other guests had a great time too. The only difference? They had pussies and I did not. They, especially one who did not live an impeccable action even though she banged on with the words, was as lazy as fuck, was priority, her lack of impeccability completely ignored or defended by Randy each time.
Randy, the people pleaser, with the other guests, all ladies, would over and over and over and over ask them if they wanted this, that and the other. Every time they said no, they said they could do it. One no should be enough! He would be lying down relaxing, so would all, it would be quiet, then all of a sudden, do you want a, do you need a, can I get you a?
He is desperate for the attention of women, completely attached in very unhealthy ways, so unhealthy that he forgets all about his number one principle in his space, speaking impeccably.
He forgets to listen, completely, his own voice during these moments is completely different to his voice, it is a people pleasing voice, we all know the one, the exact one men change their voice to when speaking to the other sex, when they want something from them.
And, worse, he will fight and bitch and argue when the thing that has given him nothing but truth, no bullshit at all, who actually speaks the thing he desires brings it up.
Hence, with Randy, he still pines over his ex-wife, there is guilt, there should be. From what I understand she was the kind of person you want in your life in many great ways, a real catch, a catch that Randy pushed away simply because he could not listen impeccably, therefore could not speak impeccably.
The final conversation they had when it was over for her would have been much different could he actually see her too, not what he needed her to be. He could not see it because he still cannot see himself, he does not know how to listen to him, and therefore her, or anyone.
Yet, Randy, when it comes to men is the best of the best, a great bloke, really great bloke. Just a good old fashioned coward at the same time.
Ladies, we cannot be cowards together if we want a better world, we have to see things for what they are rather than what we want them to be, starting with ourselves. We must speak impeccably to one another, act impeccably at all times but to do this we need to listen impeccably.
Listen impeccably to ourselves.
Absolutely nothing I need
Goodbye buddies,
The problem I have with you is that your problem with me is that I need nothing from you, nothing at all. I do not dance to your drum, you cannot control me, I cannot be abused. Hence, I am the problem.
You know good buddies I know for damn sure that I am the problem, the whole problem, and nothing but the problem. I know it beyond any doubt of doubt, it is 100 per cent certified fact. I am admitting it to you, taking ownership of my part in the parting so to speak.
I choose to be me, I choose to live in integrity, I choose to understand why I am the way I am. I choose it all, I am the problem.
It is so easy to choose to be something different, all I have to do is start lying again, give away my integrity. It is super duper easy, you all show how stupidly easy it is.
But it is not easy, is it? Your lives are absolute hell, all of them, all of you. What shit lives you live, always stressed, anxious, afraid, depressed, repressed and fucking opressed. You must be, all you do is complain, everything is so hard.
Almost dry retched just thinking about your lives, the best easiest of them, fucking makes me sick to my stomach. I definitely do not choose that or want to!
However, before making a decision to lie I reflect, if I lie here what does it do to my world? Then, I answer my own question.
The two girls I am currently a carer for, a lot of the time, they are my first thought. What example am I setting here? If I lie to them about this how can I possibly expect them to tell me the truth? Do I have the right to question Ainslie when I walk around the corner and she quickly hides her phone, trying to hide the fact her life is spent on this thing?
Do I want to be every other man in this world? Reflect further.
Man is so weak, such a coward, the most pathetic of pathetic things. The amount of women, and men, he has put in hospitable for the most menial, trivial, meaningless things, simply because he could not be with any of the feelings inside his body and therefore had to control his world to comply.
This is not who I want to be.
Iraq, we skip a few steps but it is where we end up. War, god people, just god, it is the most horrible thing imaginable. I do not have to imagine it, it is the most horrible thing knowable, I know it, I was there. Speak to me face to face about it and you will finally start to understand the horrible.
This is where lying ends up, living without integrity, the most horrible of horrible. It starts with the most innocent of innocent, but even that innocent is not, it is an attempt to control your world to comply with you, give you something, feed your self.
I know thy self pals, my-fucking-self, know thy self, there is a space in there. Understand it, know yourself, know your behaviour, know the outcomes of it. And, yes, you need to finally look at the world for what it is rather than what you need it to be to see it. When you do, your heart will break in ways that you could not possibly imagine heearts break.
Instead, you will know it, the heart can brake, it can fucking break, it is hell in a shell, it is heaven.
When your heart breaks, life and death does not matter, there are no thoughts in your head, you do not want to die, you do not care if you live another moment. You are here, in this breaking, just here, now, in this. There is no time, space or place, just eternity in the now. You know, in this moment, you are finally living, finally feeling the capacity of a human being, pain has never been so beautiful.
Lying stops and blocks this possibility, it is only the starting point in understanding the rest of your universe is also having an end put to it. It is you doing it, and you are doing it to so many other worlds.
The only world you do not influence is my world. I need nothing from you, you need me to need something from you, I do not. you cannot control me and you do not have the courage to participate in something, anything, real.
I am real buds, the realest of real, the only realness in the human world. There is nothing like, nothing like it at all, it is available to all of us and we do not need any other thing to achieve. Not even clothes buddies.
In fact nakedness is a requirement, stripping yourself bare, taking every feeling, every name you call them, and accepting them, being willing to share them with the world. To be with me this is what you have to be, purely you and nothing else, you need courage, you have none.
So, you see, I know the problem is me, fucking oath it is me, it is the most beautiful of beautiful problems. The problem is courage, integrity, love, heartbreak, joy, tiredness, alertness, awareness, consciousness, godness, embarrassment, adoration, agitation, fear, inspiration, invigoration, serenity, awe, anger, frustration, inadequecy, helplessness, guilt, loneliness, and a million other words.
This is all me, the problem, it is not you. See friends, it’s me not you. Actually!
You have never felt or experienced any of them, you have only felt the mediocre ticking of an ego when other shit comes into your life to distract you from you. When you feel these things naked in complete openness to yourself being them all it is the heaven of all heavens, not even god lives here.
Not your god anyway.
I can give myself everything, can make myself cum both touching myself and not touching myself. If I really feel like something different can pay for it. Rarely pay for it, have a fucking good time on my own.
Have experienced everything for myself pals, put away everything you needed me to be and experienced me, just me, fuck it is beautiful friends, just SO SO beautiful.
Men, am content with the experience, having a cock in my arse is nothing compared to my cock in your cunt, nothing at all. Putting in in an arse, your arse, is nothing compared either, nothing at all. The pinnacle if life is what I live and you, that, is the pinnnacle for me. Content as fuck, have experienced it, me, for me.
Me is extraoridinary ladies, just extraordinary, as you is to. But you now, this, hiding shit, keeping secrets, being ashamed and embarrassed by your embarrassments and shames, is not you. Those things are you, who you are, what has made you into what you have learned you want to be, it has made you you, just you, like me, the most beautiful of extraordinarily beautiful things.
All else is rubbish, boring repetitive narratives, you get me for two hours, nothing more. I walk away, jerk off if you were jerk-offable and never have any interest in you again, whether you shared your body with me or not. Boring is the absolute butt-fuclk bottom of existence. You are all it, this is all you know, a boring meaningless valueless life, being what every other pathetically boring cunt needs you to be.
Boring begetting boring begetting boring, a vicious vicious vicious cycle.
You know it is vicious too, the harm ignorance, lives without integrity do to the world. It all results in war, there is no other destination. Go there, seriously go to war, put your boots on the ground, experience it for yourself. Understand it for yourself before you come to me, I want no part in it.
I want no part in it at all, when you think you know it, talk about something like war like it is in your bones but those bones have never been it is fucking ignorance. It is all you bring home, all you project, it is you now, who you really are, brittle bones of bullshit begetting brutality.
You are brutal buds, brutally violent. Ignorance is violence, the worst of it, choosing to lie and live without integrity is an absolute undeniable example you give yourself each time you do it that you are a violent cunt. Ignorance, a life without integrity, is the only reason you think you can contribute to peace while ignoring the war and violence you project.
So, yes, I need nothing from you, you can give me nothing I cannot give myself and I will fucking not be a coward and give you the shit that you feed and exist on.
Aaagh, it is so nice being free, being me, being the problem, which, funnily enough, is the solution.
Frederick