LSD, we start here, I know why I came to it today. It is a tool I use, a tool only, it is part of the university that is Me. I have almost mastered the whole thing, almost, still have things to learn. Many many things. There are some new rooms opening up, happens all the time, just when you think it is done it is not done at all.
Life, what a beautiful thing. The most beautiful thing. There is nothing more phenomenal than my life, am not going to waste it, but I don’t need it. I know, beyond doubt, that when it is gone I am at peace, with You, whatever You are, the nothing You we come from. I don’t care what it is, it is what it is, always will be, I’ll know when I get there.
You can’t tell me about life after death, you do not know, you are here alive, it is all you know. It is all I know, the only thing I ever will know. Until, of course, I know something different. That will be then, this is now, I do not know then, never will until then, why bother.
Simple damn tool to understand living in this moment. You do not know the future, the past before your life, anything other than what you experience. Medicine is the tool trying to teach you this basic basic tool. Live in your skin, be there, be the machine, the tool, you are.
LSD, I hate it, absolutely hate it. It is worse than smoked DMT for me, 15 minutes and I am done there. 12 hours here of feeling nothing but pain, absolute pain, it is awful. But, pain, in a different way, a kind of rubbing knuckles gently against bone, bone and knuckle that both vibrate weirdly together at the same time pain. I don’t know whether I feel sick, angry, frustrated, physically sore, emotionally drained, happy, sad, up or down.
Ever had a tatoo on your ribs? Fully coloured in tattoo, where it feels like the needle and bone are never ever going to stop grinding together, just a disgustingly yuck feeling. Yeah, that’s it, exactly that, all over my body. This is LSD, the other drugs target specific areas, not LSD, it does it to everything, it’s what I need. Get every tiny little bit of confusion out. I know my tools.
I know I don’t feel sick, LSD was easy to put in my system, this part, the sickness part is not the problem. I know my tools.
LSD is pure confusion to me, 12 hours of it. The thing above all things that frightened the hell out of me as a kid, going crazy. It’s a fear many of us on the medicine pathway maintain. We have to fight through it, understand it, experience a version of it.
I am crazy, absolutely, not when I am in conversation with you though, then I am balls laughter, heart’s compassion, beautiful beautiful conversations and times. You see my writing in the background and your experience is overriden by your ego, what you want this thing to be, what other people will think of you for hanging around it.
Yeah, of course, I’m crazy. It is an easier position to maintain than to do what is necessary and remove bias, discrimination and judgement from your world. It is what I am asking of you before you can add any value to my world, ongoing value, or, for that matter, value to anybody’s world.
The importance of the tool word for the drugs here, needed to take the dumbfuckheadedry out of this environment, make it accessible to everyone.
My world, we know what it is like to struggle but to feel love. Many of you I know will relate when I say I pray to live and die and the same time, I do, sometimes, isolation is hard. Most generally beg one way or the other, never beg for both. I love so much people but it hurts so much to see what you do to yourself. To see that I am the one walking alone, sitting alone, smoking alone, always alone. Yet, I am the one without my head staring to the ground, eyes completely affixed to a screen, never experiencing a moment of living. Like, it is ridiculously painful to see how lost you all are, how much pain you are all in, that the solution is the simplest of solutions.
Bring value to your life, for once, do something worthwhile with a moment of it. Learn to love yourself.
Tools, they are the things that bring you back to loving yourself, removing all the distractions and witnessing this phenomenal world we exist on, the beauty of it which exists in us all, at all times. It is worth living for, absolutely worth living for.
Nothing you have is though, your lives are not worth living, if they were you would be living. You’re not. Even here in Ecuador, Costa Rica the happiest place on earth apparently, super big smiles but are in their own heads every moment of the day. Mayan culture, the same, one of the worst examples I know came from this culture, it is the culture, ignorance, cannot argue this shit is better when it is the same shit. Smiles in front of seven million thoughts, bullshit thoughts, completely distracting thoughts. 0% experience thoughts.
Like, people, seriously. Put your phone down, all distraction away, all music, every sound, every thing that needs to be done. No pose, no trying to meditate, pray, no moving this that, no where do my hands to go, no nothing. Sit there, lie there, how long can you do it for before you have to distract yourself?
I am writing today, yes, I know, this is today. Still, I will go and be still if I need to, however horribly LSD is confusing me right now, how painful it is and I will be with myself for the rest of the day if I need to, and only me. Not a single distraction. How long can you last?
Without the LSD, without the confusion, simply taking away the distractions, how long can you last alone, in the quiet with yourself and yourself only?
3.5 years? Are you near that yet? Then let’s talk.
Yes, I am done with this, yes I need to learn how to do it better, I continue to use the tools I have, knowing their purpose.
I do not know what is wrong with me. I do not know. If I did I would not be alone anymore. I do not know.
Your first tool is this statement people, your first tool to freedom is this simplicity, I do not know what is wrong with me.
I know, Fred knows, that mushrooms are gentle, it’ll target the areas in the body and therefore mind it always does, the other stuff is all pain, ketamine might be good but have none. Ultimately ketamine too would be an escape, compassion absolute compassion is what I need towards myself right now, I must give it to me, not the drug. Hence, again, I know the tool, my relationship with it.
I do not know what is wrong with me. I do not know. The introduction to LSD, the pure confusion component to it, it’s what I need, take away all thoughts from what this feeling is. The feeling driving the isolation. Just let the feeling become what it is, just let it be it, feel it, let it feel you, release when release comes.
It’s the ocean and the shore, opening ourselves up, the sunrise and set. The breath we breathe and the machine working together to freely work together, fully trust one another, live in full experience, hold hands all the way.
Oncce upon a time I was fighting with craziness coming into LSD, it’s what it does to my head, uncontrolled thoughts and narratives, bonkers all over the place impossible to follow shit. It is what my head was before I started fixing it, awful. Now, though, I don’t, all the bonkers narrative was unaddressed shit, it is all addressed shit now, so I have no fear, just respect.
I said I went in knowing today would be horrible most likely, I know horrible people, so when I say horrible I mean the words. Horrible. I respected this and went there knowing it because it is what I need today, the tool I need. Confusion, chaos, to understand the way to calm.
Afterall, my life goal, calm, peace, remains my life goal. It is not my life yet, not all parts, therefore I am not there, and still do not know how to achieve it. I just do not know, I accept it, give myself opprtunities to know, learn.
It’s the tools guys, if we’re not learning, they’re just drugs mates. Morbid nothing drugs. Develop your tools, starting by understanding these are simply tools that open your life up extraordinarily, they do it simply.
What an intro hey? Sat down thinking three paragraphs, but we got this. We’re getting right into my heart now, it is what it is.
Listening, the very best of the best tools
From the above, the prayer to live and die has gone within days, the cannabis is gone, the LSD, all the psychedelics and none of the pain remains.
I know what is wrong with me, was not listening to myself.
Have known it for 18 months anyway, since the last high-dose DMT trip. Simply do not need the drugs anymore. The work was finished January 2024 when I pulled the trauma behind all my trauma out of myself. I really do not know how to explain this experience in a way you will be able to understand yet so we will come back to it another time.
Most of my drug use from that point has been supporting other people, walking side by side with them when they ask me. Was horrible every time, the ridiculous pain I put myself through just so you could see it is okay, that you will be okay. The pain in me continued because of this, knew it was time for the drugs to go but supporting others I put ahead of myself.
It is the wrong thing to do, we have to put ourselves, our health first, all of us. I stayed in pain, confusion, never really recovering between one trip with you and the next, so then I added my own work too, fucked myself up a bit to be honest. Due to this was under the impression I still needed to find a way, that drugs were the way when they were not.
LSD the other day was pure awesome simply because I was super confused before starting. Why am I still in pain when I had removed it? Why is it back? Why is it constantly worse than ever? Why? Why? Why?
Nothing changed, confusion and pain amplified, but nothing new, no new door to open, no nothing. Except the most important door, the Fred it is enough door, this stuff is done pal, remove it, cannabis included. I did and am just pura-bloody-vida in every moment of every day again.
The learning continues, do not want to be part of the medicine environment any more, not while it is full ignorance anyway. I will in the future, but I won’t, instead will work to create the most beautiful of spaces to allow the most beautiful of work to be done. Others can run the medicine stuff, and I will solely make sure they do it right.
Gardening, growing the stuff, mowing the lawns around it, cooking the food, yeah, will be my primary involvement. The perfect life, a women who is her, lets me be me, and that stuff. Heaven!
I’ll do a heap of support work but without medicine, especially group work with men, it is my passion, helping men to be a different type of man. Probably a little cannabis because I love it and it was only becoming painful as I was pushing myself so ridiculously hard still.
Also, will do LSD and mushrooms in the future but again without it being work, just enjoying the experience with the community I have created around me.
Like, it is okay to continue doing drugs, absolutely. The relationship is the key ingredient, know when to stop, know when to pause, know when to pull away completely. The last six months my relationship was poor, really poor, it was what I was trying to tell myself, pushing and pushing without needing to. Was not listening, hence it became ridiculously painful, it is me hurting myself now, nobody else.
Listening. It is all we need. If these things are pain pain pain it is telling you everything you need, stop. Take a step away, reflect, review, move forward in another way.
And it is beautiful too, since removing the pot have been getting around fully me again, loving every moment of everything. Women have started talking to me, beautiful women.
There is a cafe I am avoiding without avoiding, am not really, the coffee is great, really only want to go there when it is empty. The attractive waitress has an absolutely ripping body. The times when I enter and it is empty she puts the food right in front of me and leans as close as she can without touching, close enough to feel my breath on her neck, her hair basically in my nostrils. Does it all super super slowly. Yeah, it is awesome! Next time she does it am going to ask her out, almost certain she will say yes, speaks good enough English for a conversation too, my Spanish not so strong as to meet non-English people yet.
Yeah, listening, really is the best everything. The very very best of the tools we have, most important everything in the medicine space. Well, it and breathing of course.