Update, dedicating Shorts to the Shorts, beautiful people, wonderful family, sister and parents included. Paul, just a beautiful phenomenal man and father. I love Paul to bits and miss him, it is what it is. He is a funny guy too, hence I dedicate the following to him and his family.
Let’s have a laugh together.
Where else would it go?
Where else would it go? Said the man as he pulled the god-knows-how-long-it-has-been-there cooked pie smothered with sauce from the cupboard above the fridge in the homeless shelter. Still looked good enough to eat.
Why not sleep in the park?
Why wouldn’t you sleep in the park, in the freezing cold, in the rain when you have a perfectly warm bed here, said the woman in the homeless shelter as two other people left to sleep in the park, in the freezing cold, in the rain.
Why can’t you be kind?
Why can’t you just be kind to people? Said the woman in the Mission to the staff member who asked her to pipe down after a 45 minute outburst screaming at everyone for being cunts. Such cunts in fact that all 14 people were sleeping when it started, such a beautiful kind woman for letting us all know.
The space within the space
Paid for a room today, $20 owed from a little while ago when I stayed with a beautiful man named Christian. There were two sleeping options, one looks like a big cot, to get in you have to crawl in through the end and underneath a book shelf, the other is about 4 foot square. I choose the square one because it is a better overall space.
Christian tells me to stretch out my legs, it’ll be right. This seems impossible but sure enough I do and they stretch right out, I do not understand. I look up and at the end of the bed my feet, up beyond my knees, have disappeared. There is a hole that goes under some furniture and continues under Christian’s bed, just perfect to stretch out for a comfortable night’s sleep, pure genius.
Rag Time
There’s a few people sitting around a campfire. A pianist is playing a funky tune and turns to the guitarist, this is called Rag Time. A bit of time passes and the guitarist starts plucking away, ‘what was Rag Time again?’ The Groundskeeper cannot help itself, ‘It’s the time after your Dad’s old shirt time.’
43% of Aussies
The sign read ‘43% of Australians will experience a mental health condition in their lifetime.’ The Groundskeeper laughed, the other 57% are just narcissists.
Priorities
Gumtree draws a line when I attempt to hire a brushcutter in exchange for cannabis, the ad lasted about 10 minutes, not even. The previous one, the one advertising psilocybin and ayahuasca sessions lasted about two months, priorities I suppose.
Solomon Fashion
There is little to no fashion sense in the Solomon Islands. It comes with a good reason, a majority of the clothes sold come in big bales from othber countries, mostly Australia and New Zealand. These bales are just complete excess to the second hand shopping scene at home, they are not sorted just excess, some gems can be found among them.
There are very few retail outlets. The best shopping day is the one when the new bales arrive and are cut open on the shop floor and people go berserk, happens weekly. All of this combined with the fact that most people only wear clothes because they have to makes for some funny sights;
- The man walking onto a bus smoking a cigarette wearing a quit smoking t-shirt
- Our boat driver, a maybe 30 year-old ripped black man, standing at the back of the boat steering us to some exotic destination wearing a pink nightgown that read Daddy’s Little Girl
- More to come, my brain just stopped on this one.
Solomon Names
In the Solomon Islands it is not uncommon for a parent to nominate a third party to name the children. Sometimes they themselves are to blame for the names. English is kind of adopted but not really, pidgin is a mashup of local dialect and some form of English, it is easy to learn. The problem is people just like certain words and don’t know what they mean. So when they are nominated to name a child often these are the words that are used:
- A taxi driver named Chief Justice
- The blackest human being I have ever seen, maybe 10 years of age, a kid who makes the ace of spades look like it hasn’t seen sun for nine months with the name Albino
- As per the previous, more to come
The New Sunday
Lorraine messaged me the other day, does Monday or Tuesday work for you for lunch? ‘Yes’, I replied, ‘in fact they are my new Sunday, as well as every other day ending in day. Except for Sunday, which is now Thursday, just for something different.’
She didn’t reply, and lunch has strangely been cancelled. No not really, not the cancelling part anyway.
Four Pipes
Hanging out smoking cannabis with Mark at the property. We’re talking about the work needed and being done, specifically the big pile of weed matter I have created near the front fence. ‘How long did that take you?’, asks Mark. About four pipes. ‘Sounds reasonable.’
Descendants of Jesus
Same conversation, a little later. Mark enquires, ‘how do you tell if a child is a descendant of Jesus Christ?’ I don’t know, how do you tell? ‘Throw a bunch of kids in the ocean, return to shore and see if any walk back.’
No Cheese
Sitting at a bench at the markets in Launceston. It is 8.32am, the bell has just gone to notify vendors they are now allowed to start selling their wares, food, knick-knacks, all the rest.
A young family stop in front of me, the daughter is extremely excited about the cheese Korean pancakes, the one’s her Dad is currently buying. Dad returns with the pancakes, ‘sorry Honey, they were sold out of cheese, only radish and asparagus today.’
Nooooooooooooooooooooooo.
An Invisible Friend
Sitting having a coffee and a hot cross bun at the B+B cafe in Launceston. I’m outside at a table, in the middle of writing the DMT post Big Girl’s Blouse.
A young fella, maybe 14 comes up and asks if he can take the spare chair. Go for it buddy.
20 minutes later he comes back and replaces the chair. I look to my side, point my finger at nothing and say you can sit back down now buddy.
The young bloke’s face, priceless.
Great Job Customs
Picking up two pairs of jeans this morning. While I am at it I pose the question, how do I get the sap off the bottom of those jeans? I’m heading to the Americas, it would be nice to have clean pants.
Yeah, I could buy others but I’ve had these two for 21 or more years, they are my perfect jeans. One just needed a new zip, I’d previously repaired it but a full zip job is outside my current capabilities and interests. The other, a fucked pocket, could have fixed that one but leave it to the professionals, two birds one stone and all.
We talk about eucalyptus oil and a few other things, the eucalyptus comes out on top. Then one of the ladies says, ‘you could just leave it, bit of character, who knows you might come back with something.’ The laughs start.
I respond, not beyond the realms of possibility, I did last time. Fits of laugh.
I wonder what they were thinking? I was talking about the Ayahuasca. Changa and Ketamine I brought back with me …… Doing a great job there customs 👍 👍.
Yeah gangster!
FCN
My initials, F.C.N., try to say it as one word, what comes out of your mouth?
Fcn’ ‘ell ‘eh, what chance did my now vocabulary have?
Beetroot
What’s the difference between a beet and a root?
You can root a beet but you can’t beat a root.
Not an original joke.
She woke herself up
Bullwinkle just farted, it wafted quickly through my nostrils and was done, I thought, it came back for seconds. I comment that it tastes metallic, disgusting.
My memory turns back to the most disgusting thing my nostrils have ever witnessed, it came from the most beautiful arse, Sarah.
She had her period at the time, was a bit stressed at work, we had moved to the other side of the country together. A lot was going on.
I wake up to a horrendous smell, it did not come from me, it had blood absolutely mixed into it, some napalm too apparently. Sarah wakes up and goes a bit wild to be honest, I didn’t wake her up, she woke herself up. This toxic thing that come from her was too much even for herself.
I could not stop laughing, she would not believe me when I told her it came from that innocent looking beast of an arse instead of the netherest netherlands of hell.
Farts done right, right?
Old Dawg
I’m 15, two-years earlier I quit mowing lawns at old Tommies, I start to regret it.
Tommy Neylon brings home Roselyn, James and Sasha. Sasha, who would later become one of the most physically beautiful humans I ever laid my eyes on.
Roselyn however, my first older woman crush, had a few thoughts on how do I get back behind that mower, thought to myself Tommy Neylon, you old dawg. Not a bad looker Tom, just boring, and a tight arse.
$5 an hour to walk up the hill mountaineers use to train for Everest pushing a lawn mower, Danyel only got $2.50, I lasted a year, Danyel years. Tommy docks me my whole paycheck for running over his hose that he had hidden under about 3 milimetres of dirt, screw you Tommy I’m out of here. Never walked back in his door EXCEPT to get a haircut from Roselyn, built a bit of a tab to be honest, all of a sudden getting the hair lopped was alright.
Years later I would see Roselyn and her daughter, Sasha, at a footy grand final. Sasha was familiar but not at all, ridiculously beautiful woman, I Facebook’d her just the once, maybe twice, to confirm my suspicion.
But even then, I am maybe 30, 38 maybe, seems like yesterday, my little 15-year-old self still snuck a little cheeky maybe eye to her mother.
The Best Socks
Do you like how I give away the punchline before the joke starts often? I got this from my mother, she liked to know the ending before the beginning. Of everything. Books, movies, jokes, general conversation.
18 months ago on returning to Australia I spent up to ensure I had enough clothes to last the next 18 or so months. They have, most still going, funny that. Good quality clothes, all the difference.
Included, as I was planning to get back into exercise, was an eight-pack of merino wool ankle socks. I have worn maybe three pairs a total of 10 times on my feet. Somehow, however, I wear them often enough that they continually rotate through the wash. Not a hole, scratch, scrape, grass stain or anything. Haven’t even gone stiff believe it or not.
Good quality socks, the best socks.
Who’s a good boy?
Was aware that I would not be able to get through the whole meatballs and mash potato I bought from the IGA so I fed Bullwinkle a little less dinner.
I figured, 11 sausages didn’t supset his belly so neither will a few mouthfuls of this. Nothing against IGA here, it is people food and I reckon it must have been the butter in the mash but Bully’s belly did not like it. Did not like it at all.
He is coming better now but this morning walking through the main street of Launceston he made a crouch to empty the pouch. Nothing came out. We fast-tracked our way to the closest patch of grass, and this massive runny disgusting as hell thing came out. No fingers in bags can pick that one up.
The grass? Right on the front doorstep of the Presbyterian church.
Who’s a good boy!!!!!!
Dying to go to the gym
Not to do with the primary joke. Received a message from Mark as I was finishing editing the post introducing him, ‘are you coming to visit before leaving? Let’s go to ……. (not revealing our secret spots) and get a bunch of shrooms.’ Best big brother.
I replied, sounds awful mate. Best little brother.
Shane, a beautiful man who lives near Lorraine has three ridiculously beautiful daughters. I have only met two, seen a photo of the third, gorgeous. I’ll mention Shane more with Lorraine, beautiful and heartbreaking story, his daughter’s love him, he earned their love and respect.
The girls that aren’t home always are, monthly, twice a month, they love their Dad as I love my Mum. Breanna is still at home, Shane a very pragmatic, sensible, approach to this too.
Breanna’s smile beams sunshine from the core of its being, her face absolutely glows when she smiles, her laugh is nothing but the warmest hugs from my mother. Her face is ridiculously easy to look at, in the peripherals the body follows suit. She has a wicked sense of humour.
Lorraine is visiting one day, she dictates the story, tells me Breanna likes to toy with her a bit. Breanna comes home later than expected. Lorraine asks her what she was up to.
Aah, Lorraine, I was just at the gym. Kept having an orgasm on this one machine, could not bring myself to get off it.
God, I want to go to the gym now.
Better applications
Have made the decision to leave Darwin and am trying to work out what to do with Poppi, the one-eyed cat.
Poppi, rather than Poppy, came to me and Sarah pretty rough, and left the most beautiful animal. Loved her to pieces. But yeah they named her Poppi at the shelter, funny cunts.
On the phone to Rachel one night talking about Poppi.
Well, Frederick, you know it is really good timing. One of our cats jumped the fence a few weeks ago and was killed by a car, the girls would really like another one.
‘You know, Rachel, I’m just going to put this out there, I have had better applications.’
I see your point.